ok, for real though

OK so now I feel bad for complaining. I am very blessed to be pregnant and to have had such an easy pregnancy. No complications, no swelling, etc... I know 3 people now that have been trying to get pregnant and can't. It doesn't seem fair and I don't understand it. It is a huge miracle, as Michelle was saying in her blog. I DO realize how fortunate I am to be able to start a family when I want to. I actually AM excited. Just scared and pessimistic. Some things never change. Anyway, I felt guilty after that last post. So there.

2 weeks left

I am due in 2 weeks and 4 days. Its getting close! I'm trying to stay positive. All this baby stuff and breastfeeding stuff grosses me out. I don't know how I am going to deal with it when it really happens. I got a free DVD in the mail about how to breast feed and how to bathe a newborn with their nast belly buttons that haven't fallen off yet. I started crying because I was so disgusted with it all. It's a good think I'm not a single mom or my kid wouldn't have a chance. I really don't see the "beauty" in all of this. My body is nasty and stretched. I've never seen so many stretch marks in one area at a time before. I can't walk normally because it hurts to. So how about you keep the waddling jokes to yourself? Seriously...
So if anyone has any suggestions on how to get over this feel free to let me in on it. Oh- the master bedroom is almost done. I painted the baseboard in the closet. Thats it. I told Brian I have never painted before so he summoned me to the closet. haha Fine with me. Anyway, I'm in a complaining mood. Just ignore this blog. I'll get over myself soon enough

beach ball belly

My sisters were over yesterday. They were both shocked at how huge I am. Dawn said, "woah! when did that happen?! You weren't that big last week!" I don't think Erin was ever this big and I still have until July. AH! haha It's ok though the doctor said I was the right size and everything last time. My sisters try to be nice. Erin told me yesterday, "Hey thats a cute pregnant outfit." and last week Dawn said, "Oh, you look nice, for being pregnant." I had to dress up for a Mary Kay event. they could just leave off the 'for being pregnant' part. Thats ok. They mean well and it makes me laugh.

patience

It seems like my pregnancy has flown by. Probably because I don't feel ready for him to come in any way. We don't even have anywhere for him to sleep! There's no room in the bedroom we are using right now, and the other bedroom is torn to pieces. But thats not really what I'm so concerned about. I'm getting worried that I won't have the patience to deal with a baby EVERYDAY. I remember after working at the daycare I'd come home exhausted and enjoy the quiet. You can't "go home" from watching your own baby. I'm afraid I will be selfish without realizing it and not give the baby enough care or attention that he may need. I can handle the fact that my body will never be the same again, but what if I completely let myself go? I have so many things going on in my head I don't know how to sort them so I try to ignore them because nothing can be done about it anyway. I need to realize that I am in control of my life for the most part. My actions and my feelings are determined soley by me. I've never been good at taking on responsibility for anything.

Isn't this picture insane?! That is what is inside me RIGHT NOW! My stomache is getting HUGE. I weigh more now than I ever have in my life. I feel like I should start a serious work out regimend, but then realize I don't feel like it. Plus I'm pregnant. Anyway, the baby could survive if it was born right now. Brian was trying to hear the baby's heartbeat but since he couldn't and the baby wouldn't move for him, he yelled really loud right by my stomach and it scared the baby. It jumped. So I think he actually can hear and the things I read just may have some truth to them. I can't wait until he's born and the birth part is over with. I'm kind of getting scared again, but not as much as I was before. I just don't know what you do all day when you have a baby around. I guess I'll find out. It will be weird to not just give it back to the parents like babysitting.

We're having a....

Who thought it was a boy and who thought it was a girl? I would like to know. I bet YOU would like to know what I'm having. bwa ha ha.. You probably already know, but we are having a boy! I want to post the pictures from the ultrasound. You really CAN tell what is in the picture with these ones, I swear! So I will get those posted just as quick as I can scan them. Anyhoo, there is my announcement.

Month 5

Ok, this is a long one, but whatever. We find out if its a boy or a girl on Tuesday. Can't wait! Oh, and I can feel it inside sometimes. Its a little disconcerning, but its supposed to happen so thats good. My belly is poking out quite a bit now. Its crazy.

Another milestone comes halfway through this month. It's known as quickening, and it's the first time you feel your baby move. The fetus has been moving for a few weeks, but now that its bones are harder and its muscles and limbs are stronger, the movements become noticeable.
Almost all the follicles from which your baby's hair will grow are in place. Some babies are born with long, thick hair, others with almost none, but it will all fall out during the first months of life. Fingernails grow longer this month, and toenails are just starting to grow.
The number of nerve cells in your baby's brain increases rapidly this month, especially in the front of the brain, where thinking takes place. The baby's senses, too, are beginning to awaken, and it may be able to hear sounds, such as the flow of blood, the beating of your heart, and the rumblings of your stomach.
Inside your baby's intestines, the first stool, called meconium, is forming. If your baby is a girl, eggs are starting to develop in her ovaries. At about 20 weeks, you may be able to hear your baby's heartbeat with a stethoscope.
Near the end of this month, several changes take place in your baby's skin. It becomes covered with a fatty yellowish substance called vernix, which protects its skin from the constant exposure to amniotic fluid. Under the skin, particularly around the neck and back, a special tissue called brown fat is forming. Until it disappears a few weeks after birth, brown fat produces heat, which the baby needs after leaving the warmth of your womb.
At the end of this month, your baby is about 7 inches long and weighs 10 to 12 ounces.

SARAH

WHo mE?

Yes, YOU Sarah-licious. bwa ha ha ha I bet you forgot about this fine speciman of a picture, didn't you? :) Well here we have Sarah. She is an amazing seamstress and eventually when she had her own line of beautiful clothes to sell, we will all hope we stayed in good contact with her because we will all be begging for a discount on her gorgeous clothes. Why will we need a discount? Because (duh) they will be made out of such high quality material and the talent that goes into designing and then producing such products will be WAY more than the likes of US could afford. You will see her items on celebrities but will ban sales from Britney Spears and others like her for obvious reasons. You don't go from sewing church undies to sewing hoochie mama clothing to lost (but famous) souls. Seriously.

So as you may have gathered, Sarah has a great sense of fashion. She may over-do it on the pink, but that is forgivable. I plan to hire her for a home decorating consultant someday if we ever DO decorate.

This is a very honest straight forward woman and I think everyone appreciates such honesty, even if it can be brutal. She doesn't beat around the bush. I love it! I think I need to take lessons in this and quit making excuses for things I don't want to do and just tell the person I DON'T WANT TO.

She has an interesting taste in men. Usually good, but its all a matter of opinion, right? haha She could have pretty much any guy she wanted after acquiring belly dancing skills. She seduces them in with a little hip action, then once they get to really know her, they're hooked. The sad thing is, she won't let herself be liked so she laughs as she tosses yet another guy back. Although she IS 'married' at the time to the same gentleman that is married to Holly. Don't quite have that one figured out yet, but it seems to be working for all of them.

So there you have my outlook on the oh so wonderful Flarah.

The end.

Spotlight!

Magnificent Malia

I thought it might be fun to do a spotlight of someone I have a picture of every now and then. Today it is Malia. She is know by many names, such as Malaysia, Malaria, um.. I can't remember the others now. Anyway, she served a mission with my sister (Who she is dressing on the right) in Portugal. Every once in awhile she accidentally speaks Portuguese and doesn't even realize it. At least she used to. She lived with us at my parents house while she was going to college at first, but then she got sick and tired of my family and migrated elsewhere. She is a wonderful nanny for a little girl. She has worked with autistic kids before and loved it. Personally I don't know if I would have the patience to do something that great. She stays close to the gospel and is a good example to me.
As far as her dating life goes, she gets around. haha but not in a bad way. She's a good girl, remember? She is currently dating someone that I have never met. I found out she was dating this person through my friend Jessica who hardly even knows Malia. You can bet I was a little erked about THAT one.
She enjoys anything outdoors except for rock climbing. Thats what I like. a lot. and her bf has connections to ropes and stuff and goes all time. While I sit here alone on the computer just being pregnant. grrr..... oh- right. Malia
She is nearly a professional snowboarder. She is fun to watch because she can do more than just get down the hill. Same with wakeboarding. She can do some amazing jumps and clear the wake like its nobodys business. She can school you in any sport, especially basketball. She was on an indoor soccer league which was fun to watch. She still has some scars from that. She is very athletic which would explain her hot body that all boys want. (as you can see from the picture)

Well I think that will conclude this evenings spotlight. Watch out for your picture. Feel free to e-mail me a picture of yourself or of a mutual friend that you think would be fun to surpirse on here. heh heh heh.... I don't have many pictures on the computer so I really need help. the end

One more thing about Malia. She pees a lot and has road rage. haha
the end

Hate

You know that song, 'hate is a strong word, but I really really really don't like you' ? That's how I feel about one person inparticular. It's weird when you think you have gotten over something and forgiven yourself and forgiven that person that hurt you more than anyone or anything possibly could and then you talk to them over the phone after not having heard from them in years, and all those bad feelings just come rushing back like a broken dam. Its awful! I don't think it's possible to hate someone unless you have loved them. I guess it goes in degrees so it depends. But if I would not have put my whole heart into loving this person, I would not feel such anger towards them. Its frustrating when you think someone loves you but then the next minute they walk all over you then they ignore you then they make you feel guily for the things THEY do wrong. Then problem is you grow accustomed to being treated this way and you start to think its normal and its not going to get any better. Then you meet someone and realize it COULD be a lot better. So you try to stand up for yourself for the umpteenth time but the guilt you feel for leaving the idiot makes it seem impossible to do. So you continue being miserable until you think you can't take it anymore because by this point they have dragged you down to a place nearly as low as they are. You finally get out. You think you are over it. But you never will be. A part of me always feels sorry for this person because it seems like they will never grow up and never stand up for anything. They just continue to follow the crowd and try to fit in with whatever type of people are handy at the time. They don't have their own set of values they live by. They are manipulative and don't even realize it sometimes.
Well by now I think I really have forgiven this person and moved on. Afterall, I am married happily and preparing to have a baby. When I look back at the choices I made and the people I let influences my decisions and stop my progress, I try hard to look at it all as a learning experience and try not to get mad. I try not to wonder what they are up to, if they've smartened up any and decided to take control of their lives, or if they just keep on going in the same direction to misery while on the outside trying so hard to fake their happiness. Its pathetic. I actually am curious if one of these people is even alive. I guess I don't hate the one because I wasn't around them long enough to allow my deterioration to set in. I didn't care about them the way I did about another person I have been refering to. What can ya do. I'm just glad its in the past and I pray my kids will be much smarter than I was and that the girls in my church will be more careful than I was.

memories

I just got back from Vegas last night. Brian and I went down on Friday for his nephews baptism. On the way down, we stopped in St George to get some lunch with Brian's brothers friend Brandon. (We were riding with Brians brother Adam and his wife) If was neat to be in St George again. brought back some good memories. Some of which had to do with work. My job used to send me to St George to set up a mobile test center there at the Hampton Inn. Anyway, we stopped in St George again on the way back to eat with some other ppl at up-chuch a rama. Brian and I walked over to a gas station to get some medicine for his headache. I had walked along those sidewalks so many times before it felt weird to be doing it again while I was pregnant and married. I felt like I should be alone with my longboard going where ever I wanted. But it was a good thing to be married this time.
While we were in Vegas, I got to see Trisha. I met her at Dixie ages ago at a bonfire. I had nearly forgotten all the ridiculous things we did together until we started talking about it again. We used to have so much fun! I remember being excited when she got a longboard for Chritsmas so we could go together and trade off with mine. Apparently I was with her when she bought her first pair of Etnies. :) Almost brings a tear to my eye. She reminded me of the time I was down there for work and I called her up from my hotel. She came over and shared some pizza with me as we watched Anaconda without the sound so that we could add our own diolouge, which we thougt was pretty hilarious by the way. It was so fun to see her again. She always make me laugh. There is so much more to write about, but I know nobody really cares to read all of my fabulous memories. So I think I will stop here. Although I DO miss the weather. It was so nice down there.

Its growing

Here it is at 14 weeks. I have a doctors appt on Tuesday, but I don't think we can find out the gender until the next doctor's appointment (next month). Everything knew I learn about what happens to the 'mothers body' during pregnancy grosses me out more and more. Its a good thing you can't really change your mind about this whole pregnancy thing or else I would have stopped it a long time ago. Its all so disgusting. I admit, it's incredibly miraculous that all this stuff happens, but more-so when it happens to OTHER people. I am such a wimp. Seriously. Oh well. So here's what the website says about it at this stage.

The body is now growing faster than the head, balancing out that brain-heavy look and making the fetus appear more baby-like. The skin is covered with lanugo, an ultrafine hair that protects it until birth. There's also hair on the baby's head, and the beginnings of tiny eyebrows. Your little one is now about 4 inches long and weighs just under 2 ounces.

12 Weeks

Now measuring between 2 and 3 inches from crown to rump, the fetus is busily doing his stretching and kicking exercises. All major organs are in place, and his brain, nerves, and muscles are starting to function. Although his gender was determined at conception, external genitalia won't fully develop for another couple of weeks. At that point, a sonogram may be able to show whether you're carrying a boy or a girl--if your baby will cooperate and face the camera!

I'm starting to develop a bit of a belly now. Last night Brian was looking at my stomach and said I look like a chubby little girl. Just what I like to hear. I'm not feeling so sick lately so thats good. Even though we heard the heartbeat I still think its weird that I'm pregnant. Like its not real yet. Especially since I'm feeling better, its more like I'm getting over a flu or something. So...why isn't anyone else writing blogs anymore?

people

I work at a testing center as many of you know. When people pass or fail, they all have interesting reactions. This one guy yesterday was so happy, he was trying to be funny but it wasn't working. I don't think he noticed. He sure was laughing. It was getting on my nerves. I kinda wanted to slap him and say "just shut up and listen to the instructions I have to give you so you can leave and so I don't have to listen to YOU anymore" but I guess that could have been considered unprofessional. Then trying to fingerprint him was difficult. He was over 300 lbs so I couldn't just take control of him the way I do other people. Don't people know what the word RELAX means?! He wouldn't stop talking long enough to listen to what I needed him to do. Again, I had an impulse to act unprofessionally. I wanted to spray him in the face with a spray bottle we use for their hands if their skin is too dry. But alas, I need this job a few more months for the insurance.
I think I'm in a bad mood. Is it wrong to miss people who you can no longer contact because it would be considered inappropriate?

Hair

Is it really that bad to get highlights in your hair while you are pregnant? The color never touches your scalp. The fumes can't be deadly because what about all the pregnant hair dressers that work with that stuff everyday? *sigh* whatever.
So Brian had a dream that we had a girl. But then she was kidnapped. I guess we got her back. He wasn't totally awake when he was telling be about it. Weird huh?

oh the pain. . .

Yesterday I couldn't go to work because my stomach hurt so much and if I tried to walk, it made it worse. It started at 3:00AM. By about 7pm-ish Brian called my doctor. The doctor said it could possibly be a tubal pregnancy, but since there was no bleeding then who knows. This morning when I woke up it was as if nothing ever happened. It was so weird. Two people suggested it might be ligaments stretching out, but I am only 8 weeks! Who knows. I'm just happy I am not in pain. It was probably nothing and I just have a low tolerence to pain or something. Granted- if that were true, I would never admit it. So it must have been something REALLY bad. ;) Anybody have any suggestions what it might have been? It's happened once before, but didn't last as long and wasn't as painful. Oh- theres a picture of what my body is supposed to look like at this stage. I will find it because I know you all care SO much about that. *snicker snicker*

Work party

Brian's work had a Christmas party on Saturday. It was pretty neat-o. We went to Hale Center Theater to eat. Famous Daves catered. (I couldn't eat the meat, so I piled on the potato salad.) Brians boss, Arden, is very generous. He gave all his employees $100 to spend on their wives. How cool is that? So Brian got me a gift certificate to the mall since I couldn't think of anything I wanted. Then there is a gift game where Arden puts all these presents in the middle of the room and everyone takes turns picking one and unwrapping it. If they don't pick from the middle, they can steal what someone else picked, but it can only be stolen three times. So we got a super soft blanket and a set of tools with a tape measure. THEN he puts out a whole bunch of gift certificates to different places- restaurants, clothing stores, hardware stores, etc- and the same game is played. Brian got a card to Lowes and I got one for Cinimark movies. Is that spelled right? After we ate and did the presents and the white elephant game, we went across the street to watch Tran-Siberian Orchestra. It was quite the show! pretty neat-o. The lights from the light show hurt my eyes and my stomach hurt the whole time, but it was certainly entertaining. :) How cool is it that we got all this stuff for free?! its frickin awesome, thats what it is. How did I get so lucky?

1st Visit

I went to the doctor today for my first check-up. No pap smear. YEA! Is that even spelled right? He just told me that being tired and gassy was normal then handed me a plastic bag full of parenting magazines and prenatal vitamin samples and sent me on my way. Am I supposed to takke ALL the pills, or what? Stupid doctor. well, stupid me for not thinking to ask about prenatal vitamins. I forgot, even though I had plenty of time to think of questions while sitting in a tiny cramped room with statues of a uterus and what not. After about 25 minutes of twiddling my thumbs I called Brian and told him I was leaving and how ridiculous it was to be waiting that long and bla bla bla and I almost started crying, then the doctor walked in. *sigh* So I got myself all riled up for no real reason and forgot all the questions I had until I was sitting in my car alone once again.

OH BABY

Hi. I am trying to see if this works. Guess what everyone! I'm pregnant. yep.

Here is what my baby looks like right now. Pretty crazy. Here's what the website says about it if you are interested.

Although he still resembles a tiny alien, your baby's facial features are starting to form. Arms, legs, hands, and feet are taking shape, although they don't yet have fingers and toes. The brain is growing more complex; if you looked through a microscope, it would be clearly visible through the transparent skull. The embryo has started to move in small jerks, although you won't feel these until the fourth month

Just for the record, this will be my first and last child. :)

Happy Halloween!

We had a halloween part and it was lots of fun! If you didn't come then you totally missed out. Ok, so it didn't get SUPER fun until everybody joined in a riatous round of darts. Then it was fun to make fun of how bad we all suck at the game. Except for a select few.. like me.. It's a good thing Brian doesn't mind all the holes in the wall surrounding the dart board. We are lucky it wasn't Brandon's house. I'm surprised his house didn't get more destroyed with how often we hung out there. I miss his house. and everyones company. It was fun sitting around after midnight being too tired to do much of anything but not tired enough to kick people out. I had missed staying up listening to Elisabeth and others make fun of people they work with and what not because then you get somewhat of an idea of what goes on their secretive lives.
I realized something today. I haven't thought about suicide for a few years now! I thought it was normal and that everyone did and that everyone thought out ways of going through with it. Then I talked to my sister about it because I was wondering what ways she had thought about doing that to herself. She looked at me like I was crazy. I bet she doesn't even remember. It was a long time ago. After that I never told anyone else about my weird thoughts and feelings. Who knew it was all just a weird chemical imbalance in my brain! Is that even spelled right? The point to all this is that I am happier than ever and even on down days I don't even consider death. I never planned on going through with it, it was just something I would think about back in the day. Why am I writing about this?