mood swings

I'm not totally sure why I go off on those tangents like that. Sometimes I think I'm bi-polar. One day I'll wake up with a knot in my stomach and feel like the air is pressing down on me and like I am the most useless worthless person that ever lived, and then a few days later I'll feel perky and happy with hardly a care in the world. When I read back on my old journal entries or even these blogs I realize I sound over-dramatic but the feelings are real. I've been un-medicated since a few months before Cody was born and I've handled my anxiety surprisingly well but sometimes I wonder if I should try it again. I hate the thought of being on meds the rest of my life because it makes me feel like I'm weak and can't handle life as well as everyone else, but someone explained to me like having a broken bone. Except instead of getting a cast to help heal your bone, you get meds to help the brain release the right kinds of chemicals. Even though it seems logical at times, I can't help feeling less than others while medicated.
Anyway, today is a lot better. I feel happy and feel like I am getting things done. Poor Cody keeps getting more and more sick. His cough sounds terrible. I'm just hoping it won't turn into croup again.
Well- I guess I just wanted to say that I realize how over-dramatic and teenage-ish I sound when I complain the way I do in my previous blogs, but it helps me sort things out. :)

just more complaing. bla

This whole blogging thing just isn't working out so well for me anymore. I used to spill my guts about things on here and get some good feedback but now that so many of the feeling involve my husband, I don't feel like it's ok to talk about publicly.
There was one part of my life where I was SO incredibly happy, I find myself continually trying to get back to that. It was from the time I was engaged until the time I was pregnant. Then everything changed. Then I was reminded again and again that I am still a failure and that just because I had such a great marriage at first, things change and I was wrong to think I could stay on cloud 9. Don't get me wrong, I have a great life that I love. I love my husband and I love my little boy. I am SO happy I get to stay home with him and take care of him myself. I just find myself growing resentful when I see my husband come home from a successful day at work where he is important and can get so much accomplished and I'm here with a messy house that I had tried desperately to clean but could never seem to finish and a baby that's really not a little baby anymore but still needs lots of attention and care. I just wish I could have a break sometimes. I guess I get jealous that I can't stamp my time card and just relax without having a knot in my stomache thinking about all the things I SHOULD be doing rather than relaxing. I wish I could take a break. Let him take care of Cody the rest of the night while I ignore both of them and play on the computer or watch TV. Now I feel like I am painting a bad picture of my husband. He is a great guy and usually helps if I ask, I just get tired of asking. I hate going to bed and thinking of all the things I didn't get done and then waking up and seeing what I still need to do and I still have no idea how to get it done. I thought I would not feel like such a failure once I got out of school, but now at times it's a lot worse. I don't really know what to do differently, if there is anything to be done at all.