I went to the Fair yesterday with my family. My anxiety has been getting worse and worse lately so I try to avoid crowds as much as possible but I really wanted to participate in our annual family Fair trip. We probably should have planned to go on a different day other than the last Saturday it is opened. I think the kids had a blast. Brian and I had fun looking at random stuff. I continually told myself to just breath - except when we were walking through looking at the stinky animals. Speaking of stinky animals, we were walking through the cow section when Brian recognized someone he knew from Gunnison where his parents grew up. I think it might have been Brian's x-girlfriend's brother or something like that to make me dislike him even more. Since he learned we live in West Valley, he asked what we think about the Susan Powell case. Brian told them we knew her and Josh and how sad the whole thing is. I put in my 2 cents. One of the Gunnison guys said something like, so it's easier now then? You know since it's been two years and all.
It's EASIER now? Are you TELLING me it's easier now? I don't know - let's see how you feel when a female friend in your life suddenly vanishes and her kids are left with the most likely murderer and you later find out her own husband probably burned her body and burried it in a shallow grave while the kids watch? Hmm... ya, sure. way easier. Don't even think about the the turmoil her parents are suffering, the brainwashing the kids are taking, or the fact that there is no resolution what so ever! You freaking idiot! Don't tell me it is EASIER now. I have been more upset now than ever with this whole thing and frankly I don't know how to deal with it. I had another melt down today. Can't stop crying. Carley brought me her bunny and her favorite doll that she won't share with ANYone and put it on me. Cody tried to give me a hug. I can usually suppress the feelings of sadness but I then find myself thinking about how much she LOVES her little boys and how terribly upset she must be seeing her psycho husband and pervert dad raise her kids. Her boys were her life. She was the hardest working woman I think I have ever met. She kept her house spotless. She started a garden since her husband complained if she bought vegetables from one store when they were on sale for 3 cents cheaper at another store. I'm not even kidding. She biked to worked since he didn't want to pay for gas. He tried to tell her now to buy makeup or yarn as it was a waste of money. He did everything in his power to control her. He belittled her EVERY time I was there. Spoke to her as if she were a stupid child. Told her if she ever left him he would make her life a living hell.
What a supportive loving husband.
She was trying to listen to a talk from an apostle which was saying something like the worth of women and how a man and woman should be equals and lift each other up. He walked through and said, "What is this crap you're listening to?" When Susan told me about this she said he was joking but clearly he wasn't. I hate him so much and I just don't know how to deal with hate. I don't think I've ever truly hated anyone before.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Monday, July 04, 2011
Life is Good
That last post was so annoying I just had to say that despite the occasional bad week, I really do enjoy my life. All I have to do is look around at other peoples circumstances and see how blessed I am. I love my kids more than anything. They alone have brought meaning and purpose to my life. For the first time I feel like a have a reason to keep going. I have a huge responsibility! These little people need me to teach them how to live productive happy lives to the best of my ability. In the mean time they are trying ever so hard to teach me patience and culinary skills. Both of which have a long way to go. Often I wonder why I am so blessed to have such a full life. My pregnancies were both normal and problem free. Our family doesn't depend on me to go to work so I am able to stay home and take care of the kids and not worry about others raising them at an age when they can't even speak yet. My kids are both healthy and well behaved - for the most part. We have a HOUSE. Not a tiny apartment. I was going through a phase of being sure we needed more space since I felt our house was way too small. Then I did a jeans party for a friend of mine. She has two kids the same ages as my two kids. She lives in a very small 2 bedroom condo. The kitchen is the same size as my hallway here. You walk in the front door and you can see their entire living space. I would go absolutely crazy! Ever since then I have felt guilty for wanting more.
I love my husband very much. The kids love him too. :) They love having him chase and tickle them. They love when he pushes them around on a bike or bounces a ball with them. I am so happy that he gives them attention and tells them he loves them. He is a great dad. I wouldn't hate how often he is gone if I didn't love him so much and want to be around him all the time. It's amazing how angry and stressed I can be and then if he tries, he can melt it all away for me in minutes.
Today is the forth of July. What a great country. As I am writing this I swear I smell hot dogs bbq-ing somewhere. We are going to Brian's parents for fireworks and a BBQ tonight. Right now Brian is doing service for hunting. Not sure when he'll be back. I guess I should get back to cleaning.
I love my husband very much. The kids love him too. :) They love having him chase and tickle them. They love when he pushes them around on a bike or bounces a ball with them. I am so happy that he gives them attention and tells them he loves them. He is a great dad. I wouldn't hate how often he is gone if I didn't love him so much and want to be around him all the time. It's amazing how angry and stressed I can be and then if he tries, he can melt it all away for me in minutes.
Today is the forth of July. What a great country. As I am writing this I swear I smell hot dogs bbq-ing somewhere. We are going to Brian's parents for fireworks and a BBQ tonight. Right now Brian is doing service for hunting. Not sure when he'll be back. I guess I should get back to cleaning.
Saturday, July 02, 2011
Can we say drama queen?
Today my anxiety tried REALLY hard to take over. It is the 4th of July weekend. People have been shooting off fireworks for the past few days and today is only July 2nd. They kept going past midnight last night. Of course Cody isn't going to sleep with all the noise and carrying on. We were all up for-ev-er. Point of first complaint is that I am tired and ticked off because of my idiot neighbors.
I need a new swimsuit and Hapari is the only place I know of that sells suits to fit my special needs which I will not discuss here. They had a sale today for 40% off!!! The place is in American Fork though. I packed up the kids and took off. Brian of course could not watch them as he was busy fixing our new wrecked truck. I drive the 40 minutes or so there with little limited crying go in and the store is PACKED. If you know me at all you know I don't do well in crowds or small spaces. I forced my way in and stood in a line to try on the swimsuits for a good 30 minutes. Carley had about had it at this point and was wriggling and squirming trying to get out of the stroller while the 3 of us were huddled in a dressing room with a mere piece of fabric separating the rooms and the rest of the people waiting to try on a suit. There was no way I was letting her out of confinement while I am half naked. She could have easily crawled into the next dressing square or back out to the rest of the store. Luckily Cody found a game for her on my phone and kept her busy for 2 minutes. Then we get in line to pay. Did I mention how incredibly crowded it was? It took all I had to not make a mad dash with my elbows flailing and my feet kicking towards the exit. I impatiently waited in line for another 30 minutes or so just to pay. I had Carley in a little stroller. After awhile when people stepped over her or even got within reach she started hitting at their legs. I wasn't going to tell her to stop either. When she got bored of slapping strangers she resorted to sticking her legs out as far as she could. I think she was trying to trip people as they went back and forth yet people just kept coming. I kept telling myself the sale is worth the wait over and over. I FINALLY purchased the stupid tankini, bottoms, and skirt (Yes I like to be fully dressed when swimming thank you very much) and was pleased with the price and booked it out the door. FREEDOM!!! I let Cody push Carley back to the car. It was so hot outside. Heat doesn't help the anxiety thing. The drive home was less than pleasant as both kids were tired and hungry at this point. Luckily they both fell asleep towards the end of the drive so I could put them in bed for a short nap.
Still feeling anxious. The kitchen was messy and I had no dishwasher detergent and there was no way in you know where that I was going to push myself into another jam packed store just for detergent, with or without kids. The mess was really getting to me though. So I cleaned the living room. Started getting really hungry. Couldn't make dinner as I had no where to put the breakfast and lunch dishes. Heaven forbid I wash them by HAND. Brian was still working on his truck. I somehow figured a way for my anxiety to be his fault and grabbed the kids and went to my parents house to see if they wanted to go out to eat with me- even though I didn't want to go out and be surrounded by more strangers. They came even though they didn't want to. As we pulled in the parking lot Brian calls wondering what I was doing. I tell him we will wait for him if he'd like to join us. I want to walk around in the mall while we wait but my mom thought it would be better to get a table now.
Suddenly it is now my mothers fault for my anxiety. I didn't want to make the kids sit at a table any longer than they had to but my parents were coming out with me as a favor so I thought it best to do what they want. I find myself becoming angry with every word my mother speaks. It wouldn't matter what she says at this point. I was reaching the end of my rope. I just wanted some company. I was sick of being alone with the kids and wanted some help. My parents were fulfilling both needs but the anger continued to build. Brian finally arrived so we ordered. My parents were unhappy about the fact that I wanted to wait to order until Brian joined us so he wouldn't feel bad but that was the one thing I put my foot down for. Once we all ordered and got our food Cody had to poo. He ALWAYS has to go when we are at a restaurant. It takes what feels like an hour for him to go and we come back to the table. The was his second potty break fyi. I share my food with the kids and finally take a bite of my own when Carley starts screaming her head off since Grandma took a breadstick away from her. Nothing would shut her up. My mom kept shoving other things in her face to try to help. FINALLY she calms down. I try taking a bite of my own food even though I now feel sick. Then the screaming starts AGAIN. She took something else away. I know she was worried about Carley choking and thought I wasn't paying attention and was just trying to help but she can chew pretty well now. Leave her alone! The screaming was even loader and more high pitched this time. Everyone could see I was going to snap and kept saying "I'll take her" as I was standing to take Carley into the bathroom. I yelled at everyone "I'm fine! I'll take her!!" I took her into the bathroom and cried. That's what I do when I am so out of control angry and don't know what else to do. At least Carley stopped due to the change of scenery.
When I come back to the table my food is neatly boxed up for me, which was fine as I was too sick to eat at this point. My mom mentioned we'd better leave a good tip since there was such a mess on the floor from Carley. One year olds are messy eaters. We do tip the servers sufficiently when we go out. I realize she was just saying it just to - I don't know. whatever. It wouldn't matter what anyone said to me at this point because it is all going to be taken wrong. We leave. Brian goes to the store to pick up his medicine and I go home to get the kids in bed which is a huge feat and hate doing alone but have been for the past 2 weeks. Brian calls and says the pharmacy is closed. Bad news. At least he can bring home some dishwasher detergent. After I don't even know how long anymore I call him hoping he didn't wreck or something. He stopped at his parents house to chat since they were in their front yard. He's been working with his dad ALL DAY!!!! Maybe he's sick of me and finding every reason to stay away from me. Maybe I am making him angry and he's avoiding me? Why doesn't he want to be with me? I just want some help with the kids! Is that why he's taking his sweet time home?
Do you see how incredibly irrational I get when I'm hungry and anxious?
He simply stopped to say hi and he and his family will talk for hours unintentionally if given the chance. He finally comes home. Cody won't stay in bed. Said fireworks won't shut up. Brian goes to lie down by him so he'll go to sleep. I can't even tell you how much time I wasted trying to get him relaxed enough to sleep on his own. Anyway, now I get to start my Sharing Time lesson for primary tomorrow. AHH! I hate Sundays (and weekends for that matter) so much. Tomorrow we will stress trying to get all of us ready and there on time. Fight with the kids in a pew and struggle to keep them and myself quiet. Go to primary to have Cody be clingy to me and Carley crawl all over the place. Go home for an hour. Go back for another meeting. Go to Brian's parents house where I get to take care of the kids some MORE while Brian plays video games with his brother until I have had it and take Carley home with me so I can be alone some more.
Lesson to be learned: Don't cross my path while my anxiety is high or I WILL find a reason to be extremely mad at you.
I need a new swimsuit and Hapari is the only place I know of that sells suits to fit my special needs which I will not discuss here. They had a sale today for 40% off!!! The place is in American Fork though. I packed up the kids and took off. Brian of course could not watch them as he was busy fixing our new wrecked truck. I drive the 40 minutes or so there with little limited crying go in and the store is PACKED. If you know me at all you know I don't do well in crowds or small spaces. I forced my way in and stood in a line to try on the swimsuits for a good 30 minutes. Carley had about had it at this point and was wriggling and squirming trying to get out of the stroller while the 3 of us were huddled in a dressing room with a mere piece of fabric separating the rooms and the rest of the people waiting to try on a suit. There was no way I was letting her out of confinement while I am half naked. She could have easily crawled into the next dressing square or back out to the rest of the store. Luckily Cody found a game for her on my phone and kept her busy for 2 minutes. Then we get in line to pay. Did I mention how incredibly crowded it was? It took all I had to not make a mad dash with my elbows flailing and my feet kicking towards the exit. I impatiently waited in line for another 30 minutes or so just to pay. I had Carley in a little stroller. After awhile when people stepped over her or even got within reach she started hitting at their legs. I wasn't going to tell her to stop either. When she got bored of slapping strangers she resorted to sticking her legs out as far as she could. I think she was trying to trip people as they went back and forth yet people just kept coming. I kept telling myself the sale is worth the wait over and over. I FINALLY purchased the stupid tankini, bottoms, and skirt (Yes I like to be fully dressed when swimming thank you very much) and was pleased with the price and booked it out the door. FREEDOM!!! I let Cody push Carley back to the car. It was so hot outside. Heat doesn't help the anxiety thing. The drive home was less than pleasant as both kids were tired and hungry at this point. Luckily they both fell asleep towards the end of the drive so I could put them in bed for a short nap.
Still feeling anxious. The kitchen was messy and I had no dishwasher detergent and there was no way in you know where that I was going to push myself into another jam packed store just for detergent, with or without kids. The mess was really getting to me though. So I cleaned the living room. Started getting really hungry. Couldn't make dinner as I had no where to put the breakfast and lunch dishes. Heaven forbid I wash them by HAND. Brian was still working on his truck. I somehow figured a way for my anxiety to be his fault and grabbed the kids and went to my parents house to see if they wanted to go out to eat with me- even though I didn't want to go out and be surrounded by more strangers. They came even though they didn't want to. As we pulled in the parking lot Brian calls wondering what I was doing. I tell him we will wait for him if he'd like to join us. I want to walk around in the mall while we wait but my mom thought it would be better to get a table now.
Suddenly it is now my mothers fault for my anxiety. I didn't want to make the kids sit at a table any longer than they had to but my parents were coming out with me as a favor so I thought it best to do what they want. I find myself becoming angry with every word my mother speaks. It wouldn't matter what she says at this point. I was reaching the end of my rope. I just wanted some company. I was sick of being alone with the kids and wanted some help. My parents were fulfilling both needs but the anger continued to build. Brian finally arrived so we ordered. My parents were unhappy about the fact that I wanted to wait to order until Brian joined us so he wouldn't feel bad but that was the one thing I put my foot down for. Once we all ordered and got our food Cody had to poo. He ALWAYS has to go when we are at a restaurant. It takes what feels like an hour for him to go and we come back to the table. The was his second potty break fyi. I share my food with the kids and finally take a bite of my own when Carley starts screaming her head off since Grandma took a breadstick away from her. Nothing would shut her up. My mom kept shoving other things in her face to try to help. FINALLY she calms down. I try taking a bite of my own food even though I now feel sick. Then the screaming starts AGAIN. She took something else away. I know she was worried about Carley choking and thought I wasn't paying attention and was just trying to help but she can chew pretty well now. Leave her alone! The screaming was even loader and more high pitched this time. Everyone could see I was going to snap and kept saying "I'll take her" as I was standing to take Carley into the bathroom. I yelled at everyone "I'm fine! I'll take her!!" I took her into the bathroom and cried. That's what I do when I am so out of control angry and don't know what else to do. At least Carley stopped due to the change of scenery.
When I come back to the table my food is neatly boxed up for me, which was fine as I was too sick to eat at this point. My mom mentioned we'd better leave a good tip since there was such a mess on the floor from Carley. One year olds are messy eaters. We do tip the servers sufficiently when we go out. I realize she was just saying it just to - I don't know. whatever. It wouldn't matter what anyone said to me at this point because it is all going to be taken wrong. We leave. Brian goes to the store to pick up his medicine and I go home to get the kids in bed which is a huge feat and hate doing alone but have been for the past 2 weeks. Brian calls and says the pharmacy is closed. Bad news. At least he can bring home some dishwasher detergent. After I don't even know how long anymore I call him hoping he didn't wreck or something. He stopped at his parents house to chat since they were in their front yard. He's been working with his dad ALL DAY!!!! Maybe he's sick of me and finding every reason to stay away from me. Maybe I am making him angry and he's avoiding me? Why doesn't he want to be with me? I just want some help with the kids! Is that why he's taking his sweet time home?
Do you see how incredibly irrational I get when I'm hungry and anxious?
He simply stopped to say hi and he and his family will talk for hours unintentionally if given the chance. He finally comes home. Cody won't stay in bed. Said fireworks won't shut up. Brian goes to lie down by him so he'll go to sleep. I can't even tell you how much time I wasted trying to get him relaxed enough to sleep on his own. Anyway, now I get to start my Sharing Time lesson for primary tomorrow. AHH! I hate Sundays (and weekends for that matter) so much. Tomorrow we will stress trying to get all of us ready and there on time. Fight with the kids in a pew and struggle to keep them and myself quiet. Go to primary to have Cody be clingy to me and Carley crawl all over the place. Go home for an hour. Go back for another meeting. Go to Brian's parents house where I get to take care of the kids some MORE while Brian plays video games with his brother until I have had it and take Carley home with me so I can be alone some more.
Lesson to be learned: Don't cross my path while my anxiety is high or I WILL find a reason to be extremely mad at you.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I'm not crazy! (INSTITUTION!) you're the one who's crazy!
I decided to start going through my e-mails, starting with the oldest one which is from 2004. I read an e-mail from a friend mentioning this here blog which I started in 2005. So then I decided to read some of my old blogs. I kind of miss my old self. Sounds retarded right? I think I need to quit worrying about myself so much. Perhaps that is where this anxiety/depression thing is mounting from or something. I've been debating on going back on my crazy pills again but I really prefer not to if I can stand it. Back in 2005 I was at a good point in my life where I was finally starting to like myself and really didn't care much about what other people thought. I was who I was and if people didn't accept me for that then I was fine with it and could move on. Now I care way too much about what others think, feel as though I am not meeting any ones expectations and feel like a total failure at life. But why?? I think it may be the weather. heh. No really. At least part of it anyway. I need to accept the fact that too many things are not within my control and that's just life. I am a lot like my mother. We both like to be in control of situations and to be honest, other people. No one can control other people unfortunately. There is always a choice.
Woah, where an I going with this? geesh. Here I go again spiraling into negativity. You know what I realized yesterday? I feel angry quite often. Since I don't really know why or where it's coming from, I find myself pinning in on Brian somehow. Coming up with reasons to be mad at him since I am just mad. I guess it's kind of logical. Not very healthy for a relationship though. So I am working at seeing the brighter side of life. Starting now. . . .
Hooray for a Vegas getaway! My sister in law is letting my and my 2 friends and the other sisters in law stay at her house for the weekend. I am trying not to feel sick about leaving my kids for 3 days. I may have inadvertently made myself sick over it and now have a sore throat. Plus weird stomach issues. Maybe it was the Easter candy. Nothing a little retail therapy can't fix. Maybe I will make some time to write just a little every now and then. Is my house clean? The laundry done? Hair clean? Do any of those things really matter?? well.... OK they are actually important. but so is self preservation. There will always be cleaning needed but I don't think 5 minutes to empty the brain filled with Dino-squad cartoons and thoughts of awful diapers from the day is such a horrible waste of time. This is my attempt at starting to be a blogger. somewhat. again.
brighter side starting now.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Sassafrass Photography
Hey check out this link http://www.sassafrassphoto.blogspot.com
It's the girl who did our family pictures. I am entering to win a free mini session with her. You can find her on facebook and become a fan and enter yourself!
It's the girl who did our family pictures. I am entering to win a free mini session with her. You can find her on facebook and become a fan and enter yourself!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Hello awkward
I've been pretty tired lately. You can tell because I become even MORE introverted, forgetful, anxious, and I throw plenty of ridiculous pity parties for myself. I just hope the last one isn't noticed because really I am better off than most people I know. One one particularly tiresome day, I took my sweet time bringing Cody home from preschool. I hung out for a bit to chat with his teacher (Brian's sister) since I had so much I needed to do at home so of course I didn't actually WANT to go home. Lucky for me the kids fell asleep on the way home and even stayed asleep once brought inside. FREEDOM! I say to myself is a whispered victory yell. I plop my butt down for a 2 minute break when I hear the sound of car doors closing. Oh ya, I was supposed to be home an HOUR ago so my visiting teachers could come and, well, visit. They sit down as I apologize for completely forgetting they were coming (again) and they explain that they drove by a few times until they saw my car. They visited the other ladies they were supposed to see in the meantime. They ask how I'm doing and if I am sleeping any yet, I complain that I am still getting up every 1 to 2 hours even though my daughter is ten months old.... They start to look a little uncomfortable sitting there but not really enough to acknowledge. I assume it's due to the mess. I had a pile of books and papers stacked on the lamp table by the couch that I had brought out of the bedroom so that I would actually sort through it. They seemed to be eyeing it. I know I'm a slob but like I said, I forgot they were coming! These ladies are actually great. They both have kids my age and older so it's like I get a few others with motherly advice. They hurried out in an effort to let me try to sleep since the kids were sleeping. Once they left I sat down again. Figured I'd start on the pile they were trying not to look at.
Then I saw it.
BAM! Right out in the open on top of all the papers was a single square pregnancy prevention item. Oh my gosh I was so embarrassed. Do I bring it up and make a joke out of it the next time I see them? Do I subtly explain that I was cleaning off my dresser and didn't realize how much 'stuff' I had on my dresser without actually mentioning the item itself? No, no... Cases like these are best left ignored. Besides, I ran out of time for thinking up any other solution as the crying began once again.
Then I saw it.
BAM! Right out in the open on top of all the papers was a single square pregnancy prevention item. Oh my gosh I was so embarrassed. Do I bring it up and make a joke out of it the next time I see them? Do I subtly explain that I was cleaning off my dresser and didn't realize how much 'stuff' I had on my dresser without actually mentioning the item itself? No, no... Cases like these are best left ignored. Besides, I ran out of time for thinking up any other solution as the crying began once again.
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