I decided to start going through my e-mails, starting with the oldest one which is from 2004. I read an e-mail from a friend mentioning this here blog which I started in 2005. So then I decided to read some of my old blogs. I kind of miss my old self. Sounds retarded right? I think I need to quit worrying about myself so much. Perhaps that is where this anxiety/depression thing is mounting from or something. I've been debating on going back on my crazy pills again but I really prefer not to if I can stand it. Back in 2005 I was at a good point in my life where I was finally starting to like myself and really didn't care much about what other people thought. I was who I was and if people didn't accept me for that then I was fine with it and could move on. Now I care way too much about what others think, feel as though I am not meeting any ones expectations and feel like a total failure at life. But why?? I think it may be the weather. heh. No really. At least part of it anyway. I need to accept the fact that too many things are not within my control and that's just life. I am a lot like my mother. We both like to be in control of situations and to be honest, other people. No one can control other people unfortunately. There is always a choice.
Woah, where an I going with this? geesh. Here I go again spiraling into negativity. You know what I realized yesterday? I feel angry quite often. Since I don't really know why or where it's coming from, I find myself pinning in on Brian somehow. Coming up with reasons to be mad at him since I am just mad. I guess it's kind of logical. Not very healthy for a relationship though. So I am working at seeing the brighter side of life. Starting now. . . .
Hooray for a Vegas getaway! My sister in law is letting my and my 2 friends and the other sisters in law stay at her house for the weekend. I am trying not to feel sick about leaving my kids for 3 days. I may have inadvertently made myself sick over it and now have a sore throat. Plus weird stomach issues. Maybe it was the Easter candy. Nothing a little retail therapy can't fix. Maybe I will make some time to write just a little every now and then. Is my house clean? The laundry done? Hair clean? Do any of those things really matter?? well.... OK they are actually important. but so is self preservation. There will always be cleaning needed but I don't think 5 minutes to empty the brain filled with Dino-squad cartoons and thoughts of awful diapers from the day is such a horrible waste of time. This is my attempt at starting to be a blogger. somewhat. again.
brighter side starting now.
2 comments:
I love it...I keep thinking the exact same way...We are going to have fun this weekend with no worries. Love ya.
You're going to have such a good time. I'm so SO bummed I'm not going. Love you and just know you're not the only crazy one...hmm that doesnt help at all. Whatever. Saying the right thing and positive thinking has never been my bag, baby. *sigh* The fluorescent lights are getting to me.
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