mood swings

I'm not totally sure why I go off on those tangents like that. Sometimes I think I'm bi-polar. One day I'll wake up with a knot in my stomach and feel like the air is pressing down on me and like I am the most useless worthless person that ever lived, and then a few days later I'll feel perky and happy with hardly a care in the world. When I read back on my old journal entries or even these blogs I realize I sound over-dramatic but the feelings are real. I've been un-medicated since a few months before Cody was born and I've handled my anxiety surprisingly well but sometimes I wonder if I should try it again. I hate the thought of being on meds the rest of my life because it makes me feel like I'm weak and can't handle life as well as everyone else, but someone explained to me like having a broken bone. Except instead of getting a cast to help heal your bone, you get meds to help the brain release the right kinds of chemicals. Even though it seems logical at times, I can't help feeling less than others while medicated.
Anyway, today is a lot better. I feel happy and feel like I am getting things done. Poor Cody keeps getting more and more sick. His cough sounds terrible. I'm just hoping it won't turn into croup again.
Well- I guess I just wanted to say that I realize how over-dramatic and teenage-ish I sound when I complain the way I do in my previous blogs, but it helps me sort things out. :)

just more complaing. bla

This whole blogging thing just isn't working out so well for me anymore. I used to spill my guts about things on here and get some good feedback but now that so many of the feeling involve my husband, I don't feel like it's ok to talk about publicly.
There was one part of my life where I was SO incredibly happy, I find myself continually trying to get back to that. It was from the time I was engaged until the time I was pregnant. Then everything changed. Then I was reminded again and again that I am still a failure and that just because I had such a great marriage at first, things change and I was wrong to think I could stay on cloud 9. Don't get me wrong, I have a great life that I love. I love my husband and I love my little boy. I am SO happy I get to stay home with him and take care of him myself. I just find myself growing resentful when I see my husband come home from a successful day at work where he is important and can get so much accomplished and I'm here with a messy house that I had tried desperately to clean but could never seem to finish and a baby that's really not a little baby anymore but still needs lots of attention and care. I just wish I could have a break sometimes. I guess I get jealous that I can't stamp my time card and just relax without having a knot in my stomache thinking about all the things I SHOULD be doing rather than relaxing. I wish I could take a break. Let him take care of Cody the rest of the night while I ignore both of them and play on the computer or watch TV. Now I feel like I am painting a bad picture of my husband. He is a great guy and usually helps if I ask, I just get tired of asking. I hate going to bed and thinking of all the things I didn't get done and then waking up and seeing what I still need to do and I still have no idea how to get it done. I thought I would not feel like such a failure once I got out of school, but now at times it's a lot worse. I don't really know what to do differently, if there is anything to be done at all.

Dolls

The other day Cody was trying to get to my old cabbage patch kid doll I had in a box that I had gotten out for a little girl I was babysitting a while ago. I showed him the doll and he kissed her. Then I set Cody and the doll on Cody's little couch and went in the kitchen. I looked back in to check on him and he was giving the doll a big hug and smiling his big cheesy smile. It was so cute! I know boys aren't supposed to play with dolls but I don't think it means they will turn out gay for learning affectionate behavior and how to play soft and not be destruction ALL the time. I think it's just as important for boys to learn how to be caring as it is for girls. Ok, maybe a little more for girls, but when they're this little I don't think it matters all that much what kind of toys either gender plays with. Brian saw Cody hugging the doll and while he was annoyed that I let him play with a doll, he couldn't help but smile.

mm mm good

Cody just keeps getting more and more fun. He was drinking from his sippy cup the other day and he slams it down and does an exaggerated sigh. It made me laugh pretty hard so he did it again. I told Brian about it and he thought it was great. Apparently Brian was doing that with his own drink and obviously Cody was watching and picked it up. He has also started saying, "num NUM num!" and I thinks it's because we always say "yum yum yum!" He noticed my stomach yesterday when he pulled my shirt up a little to see it. I slapped it a couple times as it's bigger than it was pre-Cody so he decided to slap it. He'd crawl away then come back, lift my shirt, and slap my stomach a few times while looking at my face to see if I would laugh. I hope he does that to Brian when he gets back from hunting. It's fun to see him learn new things and grow stronger, even though he doesn't even stand alone yet. That's ok. He was a late crawler too. Cody, not Brian. I just noticed my arms are really hairy. maybe I should shave or nair them or something...

Kim and Justin Ford

There's been a lot going on with the Allred family. Kim's husband lost all the feeling in his legs and has been in the hospital for about 10 days now. It's been pretty scary. They didn't know what it was until about 2 days ago they decided it was this virus that attacks the cells in the spinal cord. It has been really hard on the family but they are staying positive. Kim usually watches her sisters kids during the week but with her husband in the hospital, she hasn't even been home since this happened. She's been sleeping in the hospital so her husband isn't alone and has been sending her own kids to various family members. I took her sisters twins last week and they are coming again this week. They just turned 8 yesterday. They are good kids and Cody loves having them around. It's been keeping me busy while Brian is away on the bow hunt. He hit a 3 point last night and decided to finish tracking it this morning. At least this way he won't be going on the rifle hunt or the muzzle loader hunt. Just one more hunt with his boss in Wyoming or something. They are allowed to hunt bears and other scary animals. I don't want him to go on that one! Maybe if it were with a rifle I'd feel a tiny bit better, but a bow and arrow? oh well. He's really excited about it.
Hm. Kinda went off track there. So anyway, if you could pray for Brian's sister Kim and her husband Justin it would be much appreciated. The good news is that he should most likely walk again. Someday. It could take 6 months to 2 years to be able to, so basically they don't have a lot of answers. Well there's an update for ya.

so ya, and ya.

Cody just had a birthday and it was a lot of fun to watch him smear chocolate frosting all over his face. Well- more disgusting than fun, but still fun none the less. We had a BBQ at my dad's house first since his birthday is the same day as Cody's then we went to Brian's parents' house to have Cake and ice cream with both families since our house is too small. Good times, good times

The last blog was a bit of ranting there and I didn't realize anyone even really read it still so now I kind of feel a little silly for getting angry on an online blog. Plus after I read it again it sounds critical of others. I don't mean to be. Everyone is in different situations for different reasons and we rarely know the whole story. It's easy to pass judgment on others yet frustrating when others do the same to us. Like I said, the people I was referring to don't even know about this blog but the fact that I'm annoyed with other peoples' decision is really just not ok. It's none of my business. Anyone that knew me well before I got married knew about my fear OF marriage. It seemed to me at the time that everyone was doomed to split up and no one tried very hard to stay together anymore. I'm not really sure where the fear of my own divorce stemmed from, seeing as my parents have been together for 32 years now. I just didn't want to get into a committed relationship and put all my heart into loving this other person just to have them turn around and decide I'm no longer good enough for them. When I was engaged I know a few people were really shocked. It used to be that I wouldn't even talk to other people about the idea of marriage simply because it scared me too much. So basically it just makes me sad for these people that I care about since they can't figure out what to do to save their marriages and be happier.
Now I'm married and happier than ever. I still have anxiety attacks now and then but not as much as I used to and I've even been able to stop taking meds for it. My doctor thought it would be something I would need to be medicated for for the rest of my life. It's pretty exciting that I'm un-medicated. Brian and I are doing well. I've learned that when he's stressed and needs to unwind he plays he warcraft game for 6 hours or so and it's nothing personal to me. I don't think. If I'm stressed at the same time as him then I don't really have a lot of options because I'm the one responsible for Cody. So as long as only one of us are stressed at a time, then we are great! :) Otherwise I generally break down. but whatever. It's nothing like it used to be. I'm happy to be in such a great marriage and know that I have a spouse that cares about me as much as I care about him. I wasn't sure if it were possible but it is and I'm so happy for that. I'll guess I'll end on that note.

frustration

I'm having a bad day. I know 4 people who are very close to me whose marriages are going down the crapper. Two of the four are making incredibly poor decisions and it saddens me to watch when I know they are so much smarter than that. One is just immature and is always talking lightly about divorce rather than trying to do something about. And the last one is doing everything in her power to hold on to a marriage that stopped working years ago because her husband is a selfish little SOB that is the most controlling and manipulative person I have ever met.
I don't understand why commitments and promises have turned into meaningless words. Especially sacred covenants. At what point do you say, "God- I don't believe you anymore and I'd rather look cool around these people that don't care about me nearly as much as you or my family so I'm just going to throw in the towell". You decide religion is a farce and don't believe it anymore? Fine. But decide that before you PROMISE to follow simple guidelines with your fiance. Obviously you should get out of a relationship if you are absolutely miserable and things can't be changed. But don't do it for selfish reasons. Its one thing to lose your faith and sabatoge your own future, but then when the choices your making are hurting EVERYONE around you and ruining THEIR chances of future happiness, think about what the hell you are doing and instead of ignoring the fact that there IS a problem that you created and work on fixing it! Everyone is entitled to happiness. Just make sure the things you are doing to make you happy don't hurt others around you. There are things that can be done to have a good time that don't have to be at the expense of others feelings.
One of these people I am talking has no children. She was married in the temple but now she and her husband both have no respect left for their God and little for each other. I'm not totally sure why they are staying together. It makes me sad that she may never have children. They have probably been waiting for her, their mother, to allow them to come to earth, but she cares more about appearance and the approval of others who barely know her.
Rather than worrying about what would be in their spouses best interest, they worry only about themselves. I do realize the husbands are far from perfect and need to work on things as well, but 2 out of the four haven't stopped trying. The difference is they aren't going to resources that will cause permanent emotional damage to the other one and ignoring the biggest problems at hand.
I'm actually quite angry with my husband right now so I thought I'd focus on others' problems for a minute. I'm not sure what I should do differently to get him to WANT to be around me. Things changed between us ever since I got pregnant and when I think they are back to the way it used to be, I am shown again that I was wrong. The people I'm writing about here don't even know about this blog so don't start thinking I'm talking about you. I'm just frustrated and had to get it out before Cody woke up.

School is Cool

I've been thinking a lot about going to back to school. I started to fill out a FAFSA. I pretty much always knew I could never graduate so I think thats why I had a hard time at Dixie. I couldn't bring myself to work hard towards something that could never happen. But now I have been thinking too much again. I am SO fortunate to me a mother and be happily married and be able to stay home with my son, but I can't help but wonder if this is it? I have always always wanted to be a psychologist but I knew there was too much school involved and that I was too stupid to make it through. So while some things never change, the one thing that has is the fact that I would like to learn more, even if I can't get a degree. Even when I was little I remember sitting in front of my house in FL and two of my friends came over because they were arguing about their plastic stick on ear-rings and so I helped them solve their problem. Sounds silly, but I've always wanted to help people sort out crap that's going on in their heads. Then as I got older, friends would come to me with more serious problems and I SO wanted to help them, but I didn't have any extra knowledge then they had except that I was OUTside their heads which makes a difference. Does that even make sense? Maybe part of it is because I really thought I was crazy for a time. I won't go into details, but the more I learned about the brain and personalities (disordered or otherwise) the more I wanted to keep learning. It helped me be a little more ok with myself. So while I may never become a psychologist or even a counselor for that matter, I would like to learn the tools that could help people work out issues that they can't seem to work on themselves, and not THREATEN to send them to an institution if they don't change their behavior (as one of my counselors did to me). If you are a girl or have girls, can I just recommend that you read Reviving Ophelia?

I feel like I've been fairly productive lately. It's been nice. I think part of that has to do with the fact that Cody is sleeping so much more. He must be growing. He has his two bottom teeth and the two top ones are starting to push through. It can't feel good, but he's a trooper. Brian thinks the top 4 front teeth are actually coming through too. That could contribute to his sleepiness. Maybe.
Brian has been buying more fish. He had a lone Angel fish for the past year and a half that we were sure would die since all of its tank mates died. It never did. It just lost all its fins and looks gross. So Brian decided to add more fish. He added 2 more angels, 4 neon tetras, two sucker fish and 2 sword tail fish. They are pretty cool, even though I don't like fish. One of the neons must have been eaten by the giant finless Angelfish because there are now 3. The swordtail fish was pregnant so he put her in another tank until it had babies then put her back in the community tank. Now we have a tank of 10 baby swordtails. they're kinda cool.
So ANYway, the room with all the fish had boxes and boxes of my stuff piled in it because I didn't know what to do with it. A lot if it is stuff from when I was little and old files. I have been sorting through all if it so Brian can claim the fish room as his MAN room since I have the next bedroom over filled with Mary Kay stuff. It's been fun looking through old assignments and toys and getting all the garbage out that I thought was worth keeping at one point. This blog kinda sucks. welp, Cody's awake so I have to go anyway.

exercise

Exercise almost seems like a dirty word. I used to enjoy being active and such. Now it just takes too much effort. I went to the gym today and the stair climber got boring within the first 5 minutes. Only 25 minutes to go! That seemed like an eternity. Then as I was trying to melt off part of a love handle I hear my name blasted over the intercom to report to the kid place. I go in and Cody is BAWLING. The lady was like, "Ya, I think he has a wet diaper." Uh, ya. That's what causes my kid to get hysterical. He cried the whole time I changed him in the bathroom, the whole way home, and didn't stop until I had a bottle made and popped in his mouth. At least he fell asleep for his afternoon nap quickly, right? Can't wait to try again tomorrow. And Yes, I AM going to finish off the reeses peanut butter cups I bought. Screw this healthy crap! Ok, not really. I only have myself (and Cody, which is partially Brian's fault too) to blame for the gut that has been coming back.

update

I was told to update my blog, and since this is the only one I have, I'm assuming this is what they were referring to. So. Things have gotten a lot easier with the little guy since he turned about 6 months or so. For the past month he only gets up once or twice. Every once in awhile not at all. So I'll wake up at 2 and wonder why I don't hear crying. Its strange, but good. He doesn't want to crawl. He rolls everywhere instead. Right now he has Croup so thats sad. Its a virus infection that makes your throat swell at the smallest opening which is near the voice box I guess. The first night before we knew what was wrong was really scary. He was fighting to breathe and couldn't sleep at all. I didn't know what to do. Brian called a doctor at nearly 3 AM and was told as long as he's not turning blue he should be fine. Whatever. So we took him in to the doctors as soon as the place opened. He was prescribed some medicine that helped the swelling go down. The doctor said before the steroid medication, most cases were rushed to the ER and to still watch his breathing that night because it could still have the chance of swelling and closing his throat. So I wasn't over-reacting. Luckily he slept a lot better that night (Last night) but has a sore throat. Every time he coughs or sneezes he cries a little. Its sad. But at least he is breathing.
I had been going to the gym regularly for a few months and it was great. I lost 2 inches around my waste in 2 months. Then I was struggling getting there and getting frustrated when they would page me because Cody was crying so my workout would get cut short. Now I haven't been in 2 weeks and I'm starting to eat crap food again. But not for long! I just need to think about the fact that summer is coming and that should help motivate me. Well, I think I will post this before I ramble on about anything else.