frustration

I'm having a bad day. I know 4 people who are very close to me whose marriages are going down the crapper. Two of the four are making incredibly poor decisions and it saddens me to watch when I know they are so much smarter than that. One is just immature and is always talking lightly about divorce rather than trying to do something about. And the last one is doing everything in her power to hold on to a marriage that stopped working years ago because her husband is a selfish little SOB that is the most controlling and manipulative person I have ever met.
I don't understand why commitments and promises have turned into meaningless words. Especially sacred covenants. At what point do you say, "God- I don't believe you anymore and I'd rather look cool around these people that don't care about me nearly as much as you or my family so I'm just going to throw in the towell". You decide religion is a farce and don't believe it anymore? Fine. But decide that before you PROMISE to follow simple guidelines with your fiance. Obviously you should get out of a relationship if you are absolutely miserable and things can't be changed. But don't do it for selfish reasons. Its one thing to lose your faith and sabatoge your own future, but then when the choices your making are hurting EVERYONE around you and ruining THEIR chances of future happiness, think about what the hell you are doing and instead of ignoring the fact that there IS a problem that you created and work on fixing it! Everyone is entitled to happiness. Just make sure the things you are doing to make you happy don't hurt others around you. There are things that can be done to have a good time that don't have to be at the expense of others feelings.
One of these people I am talking has no children. She was married in the temple but now she and her husband both have no respect left for their God and little for each other. I'm not totally sure why they are staying together. It makes me sad that she may never have children. They have probably been waiting for her, their mother, to allow them to come to earth, but she cares more about appearance and the approval of others who barely know her.
Rather than worrying about what would be in their spouses best interest, they worry only about themselves. I do realize the husbands are far from perfect and need to work on things as well, but 2 out of the four haven't stopped trying. The difference is they aren't going to resources that will cause permanent emotional damage to the other one and ignoring the biggest problems at hand.
I'm actually quite angry with my husband right now so I thought I'd focus on others' problems for a minute. I'm not sure what I should do differently to get him to WANT to be around me. Things changed between us ever since I got pregnant and when I think they are back to the way it used to be, I am shown again that I was wrong. The people I'm writing about here don't even know about this blog so don't start thinking I'm talking about you. I'm just frustrated and had to get it out before Cody woke up.

School is Cool

I've been thinking a lot about going to back to school. I started to fill out a FAFSA. I pretty much always knew I could never graduate so I think thats why I had a hard time at Dixie. I couldn't bring myself to work hard towards something that could never happen. But now I have been thinking too much again. I am SO fortunate to me a mother and be happily married and be able to stay home with my son, but I can't help but wonder if this is it? I have always always wanted to be a psychologist but I knew there was too much school involved and that I was too stupid to make it through. So while some things never change, the one thing that has is the fact that I would like to learn more, even if I can't get a degree. Even when I was little I remember sitting in front of my house in FL and two of my friends came over because they were arguing about their plastic stick on ear-rings and so I helped them solve their problem. Sounds silly, but I've always wanted to help people sort out crap that's going on in their heads. Then as I got older, friends would come to me with more serious problems and I SO wanted to help them, but I didn't have any extra knowledge then they had except that I was OUTside their heads which makes a difference. Does that even make sense? Maybe part of it is because I really thought I was crazy for a time. I won't go into details, but the more I learned about the brain and personalities (disordered or otherwise) the more I wanted to keep learning. It helped me be a little more ok with myself. So while I may never become a psychologist or even a counselor for that matter, I would like to learn the tools that could help people work out issues that they can't seem to work on themselves, and not THREATEN to send them to an institution if they don't change their behavior (as one of my counselors did to me). If you are a girl or have girls, can I just recommend that you read Reviving Ophelia?

I feel like I've been fairly productive lately. It's been nice. I think part of that has to do with the fact that Cody is sleeping so much more. He must be growing. He has his two bottom teeth and the two top ones are starting to push through. It can't feel good, but he's a trooper. Brian thinks the top 4 front teeth are actually coming through too. That could contribute to his sleepiness. Maybe.
Brian has been buying more fish. He had a lone Angel fish for the past year and a half that we were sure would die since all of its tank mates died. It never did. It just lost all its fins and looks gross. So Brian decided to add more fish. He added 2 more angels, 4 neon tetras, two sucker fish and 2 sword tail fish. They are pretty cool, even though I don't like fish. One of the neons must have been eaten by the giant finless Angelfish because there are now 3. The swordtail fish was pregnant so he put her in another tank until it had babies then put her back in the community tank. Now we have a tank of 10 baby swordtails. they're kinda cool.
So ANYway, the room with all the fish had boxes and boxes of my stuff piled in it because I didn't know what to do with it. A lot if it is stuff from when I was little and old files. I have been sorting through all if it so Brian can claim the fish room as his MAN room since I have the next bedroom over filled with Mary Kay stuff. It's been fun looking through old assignments and toys and getting all the garbage out that I thought was worth keeping at one point. This blog kinda sucks. welp, Cody's awake so I have to go anyway.

exercise

Exercise almost seems like a dirty word. I used to enjoy being active and such. Now it just takes too much effort. I went to the gym today and the stair climber got boring within the first 5 minutes. Only 25 minutes to go! That seemed like an eternity. Then as I was trying to melt off part of a love handle I hear my name blasted over the intercom to report to the kid place. I go in and Cody is BAWLING. The lady was like, "Ya, I think he has a wet diaper." Uh, ya. That's what causes my kid to get hysterical. He cried the whole time I changed him in the bathroom, the whole way home, and didn't stop until I had a bottle made and popped in his mouth. At least he fell asleep for his afternoon nap quickly, right? Can't wait to try again tomorrow. And Yes, I AM going to finish off the reeses peanut butter cups I bought. Screw this healthy crap! Ok, not really. I only have myself (and Cody, which is partially Brian's fault too) to blame for the gut that has been coming back.

update

I was told to update my blog, and since this is the only one I have, I'm assuming this is what they were referring to. So. Things have gotten a lot easier with the little guy since he turned about 6 months or so. For the past month he only gets up once or twice. Every once in awhile not at all. So I'll wake up at 2 and wonder why I don't hear crying. Its strange, but good. He doesn't want to crawl. He rolls everywhere instead. Right now he has Croup so thats sad. Its a virus infection that makes your throat swell at the smallest opening which is near the voice box I guess. The first night before we knew what was wrong was really scary. He was fighting to breathe and couldn't sleep at all. I didn't know what to do. Brian called a doctor at nearly 3 AM and was told as long as he's not turning blue he should be fine. Whatever. So we took him in to the doctors as soon as the place opened. He was prescribed some medicine that helped the swelling go down. The doctor said before the steroid medication, most cases were rushed to the ER and to still watch his breathing that night because it could still have the chance of swelling and closing his throat. So I wasn't over-reacting. Luckily he slept a lot better that night (Last night) but has a sore throat. Every time he coughs or sneezes he cries a little. Its sad. But at least he is breathing.
I had been going to the gym regularly for a few months and it was great. I lost 2 inches around my waste in 2 months. Then I was struggling getting there and getting frustrated when they would page me because Cody was crying so my workout would get cut short. Now I haven't been in 2 weeks and I'm starting to eat crap food again. But not for long! I just need to think about the fact that summer is coming and that should help motivate me. Well, I think I will post this before I ramble on about anything else.

Merry Christmas...?

Don't send a lame Holiday eCard. Try JibJab Sendables!

I'm just sitting here waiting for Cody to finish filling his diaper so I figured I'd post a blog while I wait. hm. The problem is I don't have much to say. dum dee do... Christmas is coming. Sure is... How bout them (insert favorite sports team here)?

Really though I have done nothing interesting or entertaining to speak of for I don't know how long. Everything I do revolves around the little one but people only want to hear about spit and diapers for so long. Actually, not at all but whatever.

Will I ever get to have a social life again? I try not to get depressed being at home all day and sometimes not stepping outside for days at a time because its what I wanted. I still would rather me at home with the baby then leave him at a daycare while I go to work, I just don't know what to do with the little guy ALL DAY.

I thought babies started sleeping at night by now. He's 4 1/2 months old. I still get up at LEAST 3 times in the night with him. I'm reading a book about healthy sleep habits, so maybe that will help. THe only problem is that I forget what I read the next day.

One last thing- If you know anyone looking to rent or buy a great house in Sugarhouse (near Granite Bakery) please let us know.
I guess I'll go change the baby now.

I've been a mom for 3 months now. Its kind of crazy that I'm allowed to take care of another human. I can't believe how helpless babies are! They can't do anything for themselves. If their face is itchy, they wack themselves in the forehead with their fist because they can't quite control the speed or direction of their hands.
Anyway, I'm FINALLY starting to get some sleep. He is sleeping for about 5 hours straight! That is so exciting. He'll even go back to sleep for a few hours after that. I find myself becoming angry a lot more often. I don't know if its the lack of sleep, lack of other human interaction, or the fact that I'm not taking my anxiety meds which made me so carefree before. I'm sure its a combination if it all. whatever.
Things here are going well. Brian is hunting right now. I'm going with my sisters to Gardener Village so we can take pictures of all the grandkids in their Halloween costumes. It should be fun.

New Mom

So. I am a mom now. No really. Crazy, huh? It seems like there should be some sort of course you have to take or some school you should graduate from before you are allowed to actually take care of a minuature and helpless human being. But no. They just come. At least there are several months of warning though.

It's been pretty neat to have a baby and be with him all the time. It's already been 6 weeks but it really only feels like its been 2. I'm still scared to bathe him because he gets so slippery and I still struggle with trying to dress him. I'm getting better at the diapering thing though so thats a plus. I can't believe that I worry about him so much already. I've had 3 or 4 dreams where something has happened to him or I couldn't find him. It was so scary!

Well anyway there's my post. It's been awhile so I figured I'd put something on here. The End.

ok, for real though

OK so now I feel bad for complaining. I am very blessed to be pregnant and to have had such an easy pregnancy. No complications, no swelling, etc... I know 3 people now that have been trying to get pregnant and can't. It doesn't seem fair and I don't understand it. It is a huge miracle, as Michelle was saying in her blog. I DO realize how fortunate I am to be able to start a family when I want to. I actually AM excited. Just scared and pessimistic. Some things never change. Anyway, I felt guilty after that last post. So there.

2 weeks left

I am due in 2 weeks and 4 days. Its getting close! I'm trying to stay positive. All this baby stuff and breastfeeding stuff grosses me out. I don't know how I am going to deal with it when it really happens. I got a free DVD in the mail about how to breast feed and how to bathe a newborn with their nast belly buttons that haven't fallen off yet. I started crying because I was so disgusted with it all. It's a good think I'm not a single mom or my kid wouldn't have a chance. I really don't see the "beauty" in all of this. My body is nasty and stretched. I've never seen so many stretch marks in one area at a time before. I can't walk normally because it hurts to. So how about you keep the waddling jokes to yourself? Seriously...
So if anyone has any suggestions on how to get over this feel free to let me in on it. Oh- the master bedroom is almost done. I painted the baseboard in the closet. Thats it. I told Brian I have never painted before so he summoned me to the closet. haha Fine with me. Anyway, I'm in a complaining mood. Just ignore this blog. I'll get over myself soon enough

beach ball belly

My sisters were over yesterday. They were both shocked at how huge I am. Dawn said, "woah! when did that happen?! You weren't that big last week!" I don't think Erin was ever this big and I still have until July. AH! haha It's ok though the doctor said I was the right size and everything last time. My sisters try to be nice. Erin told me yesterday, "Hey thats a cute pregnant outfit." and last week Dawn said, "Oh, you look nice, for being pregnant." I had to dress up for a Mary Kay event. they could just leave off the 'for being pregnant' part. Thats ok. They mean well and it makes me laugh.

patience

It seems like my pregnancy has flown by. Probably because I don't feel ready for him to come in any way. We don't even have anywhere for him to sleep! There's no room in the bedroom we are using right now, and the other bedroom is torn to pieces. But thats not really what I'm so concerned about. I'm getting worried that I won't have the patience to deal with a baby EVERYDAY. I remember after working at the daycare I'd come home exhausted and enjoy the quiet. You can't "go home" from watching your own baby. I'm afraid I will be selfish without realizing it and not give the baby enough care or attention that he may need. I can handle the fact that my body will never be the same again, but what if I completely let myself go? I have so many things going on in my head I don't know how to sort them so I try to ignore them because nothing can be done about it anyway. I need to realize that I am in control of my life for the most part. My actions and my feelings are determined soley by me. I've never been good at taking on responsibility for anything.

Isn't this picture insane?! That is what is inside me RIGHT NOW! My stomache is getting HUGE. I weigh more now than I ever have in my life. I feel like I should start a serious work out regimend, but then realize I don't feel like it. Plus I'm pregnant. Anyway, the baby could survive if it was born right now. Brian was trying to hear the baby's heartbeat but since he couldn't and the baby wouldn't move for him, he yelled really loud right by my stomach and it scared the baby. It jumped. So I think he actually can hear and the things I read just may have some truth to them. I can't wait until he's born and the birth part is over with. I'm kind of getting scared again, but not as much as I was before. I just don't know what you do all day when you have a baby around. I guess I'll find out. It will be weird to not just give it back to the parents like babysitting.

We're having a....

Who thought it was a boy and who thought it was a girl? I would like to know. I bet YOU would like to know what I'm having. bwa ha ha.. You probably already know, but we are having a boy! I want to post the pictures from the ultrasound. You really CAN tell what is in the picture with these ones, I swear! So I will get those posted just as quick as I can scan them. Anyhoo, there is my announcement.

Month 5

Ok, this is a long one, but whatever. We find out if its a boy or a girl on Tuesday. Can't wait! Oh, and I can feel it inside sometimes. Its a little disconcerning, but its supposed to happen so thats good. My belly is poking out quite a bit now. Its crazy.

Another milestone comes halfway through this month. It's known as quickening, and it's the first time you feel your baby move. The fetus has been moving for a few weeks, but now that its bones are harder and its muscles and limbs are stronger, the movements become noticeable.
Almost all the follicles from which your baby's hair will grow are in place. Some babies are born with long, thick hair, others with almost none, but it will all fall out during the first months of life. Fingernails grow longer this month, and toenails are just starting to grow.
The number of nerve cells in your baby's brain increases rapidly this month, especially in the front of the brain, where thinking takes place. The baby's senses, too, are beginning to awaken, and it may be able to hear sounds, such as the flow of blood, the beating of your heart, and the rumblings of your stomach.
Inside your baby's intestines, the first stool, called meconium, is forming. If your baby is a girl, eggs are starting to develop in her ovaries. At about 20 weeks, you may be able to hear your baby's heartbeat with a stethoscope.
Near the end of this month, several changes take place in your baby's skin. It becomes covered with a fatty yellowish substance called vernix, which protects its skin from the constant exposure to amniotic fluid. Under the skin, particularly around the neck and back, a special tissue called brown fat is forming. Until it disappears a few weeks after birth, brown fat produces heat, which the baby needs after leaving the warmth of your womb.
At the end of this month, your baby is about 7 inches long and weighs 10 to 12 ounces.

SARAH

WHo mE?

Yes, YOU Sarah-licious. bwa ha ha ha I bet you forgot about this fine speciman of a picture, didn't you? :) Well here we have Sarah. She is an amazing seamstress and eventually when she had her own line of beautiful clothes to sell, we will all hope we stayed in good contact with her because we will all be begging for a discount on her gorgeous clothes. Why will we need a discount? Because (duh) they will be made out of such high quality material and the talent that goes into designing and then producing such products will be WAY more than the likes of US could afford. You will see her items on celebrities but will ban sales from Britney Spears and others like her for obvious reasons. You don't go from sewing church undies to sewing hoochie mama clothing to lost (but famous) souls. Seriously.

So as you may have gathered, Sarah has a great sense of fashion. She may over-do it on the pink, but that is forgivable. I plan to hire her for a home decorating consultant someday if we ever DO decorate.

This is a very honest straight forward woman and I think everyone appreciates such honesty, even if it can be brutal. She doesn't beat around the bush. I love it! I think I need to take lessons in this and quit making excuses for things I don't want to do and just tell the person I DON'T WANT TO.

She has an interesting taste in men. Usually good, but its all a matter of opinion, right? haha She could have pretty much any guy she wanted after acquiring belly dancing skills. She seduces them in with a little hip action, then once they get to really know her, they're hooked. The sad thing is, she won't let herself be liked so she laughs as she tosses yet another guy back. Although she IS 'married' at the time to the same gentleman that is married to Holly. Don't quite have that one figured out yet, but it seems to be working for all of them.

So there you have my outlook on the oh so wonderful Flarah.

The end.

Spotlight!

Magnificent Malia

I thought it might be fun to do a spotlight of someone I have a picture of every now and then. Today it is Malia. She is know by many names, such as Malaysia, Malaria, um.. I can't remember the others now. Anyway, she served a mission with my sister (Who she is dressing on the right) in Portugal. Every once in awhile she accidentally speaks Portuguese and doesn't even realize it. At least she used to. She lived with us at my parents house while she was going to college at first, but then she got sick and tired of my family and migrated elsewhere. She is a wonderful nanny for a little girl. She has worked with autistic kids before and loved it. Personally I don't know if I would have the patience to do something that great. She stays close to the gospel and is a good example to me.
As far as her dating life goes, she gets around. haha but not in a bad way. She's a good girl, remember? She is currently dating someone that I have never met. I found out she was dating this person through my friend Jessica who hardly even knows Malia. You can bet I was a little erked about THAT one.
She enjoys anything outdoors except for rock climbing. Thats what I like. a lot. and her bf has connections to ropes and stuff and goes all time. While I sit here alone on the computer just being pregnant. grrr..... oh- right. Malia
She is nearly a professional snowboarder. She is fun to watch because she can do more than just get down the hill. Same with wakeboarding. She can do some amazing jumps and clear the wake like its nobodys business. She can school you in any sport, especially basketball. She was on an indoor soccer league which was fun to watch. She still has some scars from that. She is very athletic which would explain her hot body that all boys want. (as you can see from the picture)

Well I think that will conclude this evenings spotlight. Watch out for your picture. Feel free to e-mail me a picture of yourself or of a mutual friend that you think would be fun to surpirse on here. heh heh heh.... I don't have many pictures on the computer so I really need help. the end

One more thing about Malia. She pees a lot and has road rage. haha
the end

Hate

You know that song, 'hate is a strong word, but I really really really don't like you' ? That's how I feel about one person inparticular. It's weird when you think you have gotten over something and forgiven yourself and forgiven that person that hurt you more than anyone or anything possibly could and then you talk to them over the phone after not having heard from them in years, and all those bad feelings just come rushing back like a broken dam. Its awful! I don't think it's possible to hate someone unless you have loved them. I guess it goes in degrees so it depends. But if I would not have put my whole heart into loving this person, I would not feel such anger towards them. Its frustrating when you think someone loves you but then the next minute they walk all over you then they ignore you then they make you feel guily for the things THEY do wrong. Then problem is you grow accustomed to being treated this way and you start to think its normal and its not going to get any better. Then you meet someone and realize it COULD be a lot better. So you try to stand up for yourself for the umpteenth time but the guilt you feel for leaving the idiot makes it seem impossible to do. So you continue being miserable until you think you can't take it anymore because by this point they have dragged you down to a place nearly as low as they are. You finally get out. You think you are over it. But you never will be. A part of me always feels sorry for this person because it seems like they will never grow up and never stand up for anything. They just continue to follow the crowd and try to fit in with whatever type of people are handy at the time. They don't have their own set of values they live by. They are manipulative and don't even realize it sometimes.
Well by now I think I really have forgiven this person and moved on. Afterall, I am married happily and preparing to have a baby. When I look back at the choices I made and the people I let influences my decisions and stop my progress, I try hard to look at it all as a learning experience and try not to get mad. I try not to wonder what they are up to, if they've smartened up any and decided to take control of their lives, or if they just keep on going in the same direction to misery while on the outside trying so hard to fake their happiness. Its pathetic. I actually am curious if one of these people is even alive. I guess I don't hate the one because I wasn't around them long enough to allow my deterioration to set in. I didn't care about them the way I did about another person I have been refering to. What can ya do. I'm just glad its in the past and I pray my kids will be much smarter than I was and that the girls in my church will be more careful than I was.

memories

I just got back from Vegas last night. Brian and I went down on Friday for his nephews baptism. On the way down, we stopped in St George to get some lunch with Brian's brothers friend Brandon. (We were riding with Brians brother Adam and his wife) If was neat to be in St George again. brought back some good memories. Some of which had to do with work. My job used to send me to St George to set up a mobile test center there at the Hampton Inn. Anyway, we stopped in St George again on the way back to eat with some other ppl at up-chuch a rama. Brian and I walked over to a gas station to get some medicine for his headache. I had walked along those sidewalks so many times before it felt weird to be doing it again while I was pregnant and married. I felt like I should be alone with my longboard going where ever I wanted. But it was a good thing to be married this time.
While we were in Vegas, I got to see Trisha. I met her at Dixie ages ago at a bonfire. I had nearly forgotten all the ridiculous things we did together until we started talking about it again. We used to have so much fun! I remember being excited when she got a longboard for Chritsmas so we could go together and trade off with mine. Apparently I was with her when she bought her first pair of Etnies. :) Almost brings a tear to my eye. She reminded me of the time I was down there for work and I called her up from my hotel. She came over and shared some pizza with me as we watched Anaconda without the sound so that we could add our own diolouge, which we thougt was pretty hilarious by the way. It was so fun to see her again. She always make me laugh. There is so much more to write about, but I know nobody really cares to read all of my fabulous memories. So I think I will stop here. Although I DO miss the weather. It was so nice down there.