So I haven't posted for awhile because all I can ever really think about lately is Susan. She's been missing for almost a month now and I was making myself sick reading every single article ever written about the situation. Then I found myself reading the comments that strangers would leave underneath the article about what THEY think happened, or should happen. Most people have been sensitive about the way they ask how the search is going and such, but others have made me furious with talking about how she's dead buried in the snow somewhere by now and her murderous husband needs to just admit what he's done so the family can move on. It's not as though I haven't thought every possible thing about what has happened, but I still don't need someone to say it out loud. To my face. Just so I can fight once again to hold back the crying. It's all just so strange. I find myself feeling guilty that I wasn't a better friend. We had a lot of differences and disagreed on a number of things so I didn't try very hard to be as close to her as I was when I was her visiting teacher. Her disappearance has made me want to never speak poorly of anyone else again. What if that is the only way someone else will know of them? Through my negative comments about them? A detective came over to talk to me about my relationship with her and what I thought about their marital issues and so on. As soon as he left I got a call from the news. I was trying so hard to stay vague and not give any information, as the police are trying to keep everything as quiet as possible, though I'm not sure why. I don't do well under pressure and the next day I read a whole bunch of my own quotes in an article. It made me sick like I did something wrong. I did NOT, however, give any media source information about the e-mails she had sent out to myself and others about Josh when she was having a hard time deciding what to do with Josh. I'm more than annoyed with whoever freely gave out that information, mostly because I don't think Susan would appreciate it being made public. Since that article, I have stopped reading and watching the clips about Susan because for one, there is no new information, and two- I was letting my house fall apart and my emotions get the best of me. I couldn't help crying so many times and Cody has brought me tissue and kissed my knee or whatever he can reach and look up at me with his sweet big eyes and say, "Better?" I love him so much.
I can't believe I will be having another baby in about 10 weeks here. I am getting more and more uncomfortable and this baby seems to be trying to make its own way out through the side of my belly. My back aches and other unmentionable areas ache even more. I want to eat everything in sight and I find myself in a bad mood more and more. It might have something to do with the weather too. I don't want to leave the house much but I can't keep he house clean so it makes me claustrophobic. What is it about complaining that makes me feel somewhat better? Maybe it's the 'misery loves company' of sorts. Oh- we didn't get that lot in Heber. I was really really looking forward to moving. So that was kind of a downer. I don't want to go to church because I don't want to be around anyone else who knows Susan. I thought it would be great to move and stick my head in the sand and pretend everything has just been a horrible dream since I can't do anything to help anyway. My father-in-law has no confidence in the WVC police, seeing as they couldn't even track a license plate from a car that stole a part off his boat.

Wow this post really sucks. That's why I haven't posted anything for so long. I knew it would just be grumpy.