Hate

You know that song, 'hate is a strong word, but I really really really don't like you' ? That's how I feel about one person inparticular. It's weird when you think you have gotten over something and forgiven yourself and forgiven that person that hurt you more than anyone or anything possibly could and then you talk to them over the phone after not having heard from them in years, and all those bad feelings just come rushing back like a broken dam. Its awful! I don't think it's possible to hate someone unless you have loved them. I guess it goes in degrees so it depends. But if I would not have put my whole heart into loving this person, I would not feel such anger towards them. Its frustrating when you think someone loves you but then the next minute they walk all over you then they ignore you then they make you feel guily for the things THEY do wrong. Then problem is you grow accustomed to being treated this way and you start to think its normal and its not going to get any better. Then you meet someone and realize it COULD be a lot better. So you try to stand up for yourself for the umpteenth time but the guilt you feel for leaving the idiot makes it seem impossible to do. So you continue being miserable until you think you can't take it anymore because by this point they have dragged you down to a place nearly as low as they are. You finally get out. You think you are over it. But you never will be. A part of me always feels sorry for this person because it seems like they will never grow up and never stand up for anything. They just continue to follow the crowd and try to fit in with whatever type of people are handy at the time. They don't have their own set of values they live by. They are manipulative and don't even realize it sometimes.
Well by now I think I really have forgiven this person and moved on. Afterall, I am married happily and preparing to have a baby. When I look back at the choices I made and the people I let influences my decisions and stop my progress, I try hard to look at it all as a learning experience and try not to get mad. I try not to wonder what they are up to, if they've smartened up any and decided to take control of their lives, or if they just keep on going in the same direction to misery while on the outside trying so hard to fake their happiness. Its pathetic. I actually am curious if one of these people is even alive. I guess I don't hate the one because I wasn't around them long enough to allow my deterioration to set in. I didn't care about them the way I did about another person I have been refering to. What can ya do. I'm just glad its in the past and I pray my kids will be much smarter than I was and that the girls in my church will be more careful than I was.

memories

I just got back from Vegas last night. Brian and I went down on Friday for his nephews baptism. On the way down, we stopped in St George to get some lunch with Brian's brothers friend Brandon. (We were riding with Brians brother Adam and his wife) If was neat to be in St George again. brought back some good memories. Some of which had to do with work. My job used to send me to St George to set up a mobile test center there at the Hampton Inn. Anyway, we stopped in St George again on the way back to eat with some other ppl at up-chuch a rama. Brian and I walked over to a gas station to get some medicine for his headache. I had walked along those sidewalks so many times before it felt weird to be doing it again while I was pregnant and married. I felt like I should be alone with my longboard going where ever I wanted. But it was a good thing to be married this time.
While we were in Vegas, I got to see Trisha. I met her at Dixie ages ago at a bonfire. I had nearly forgotten all the ridiculous things we did together until we started talking about it again. We used to have so much fun! I remember being excited when she got a longboard for Chritsmas so we could go together and trade off with mine. Apparently I was with her when she bought her first pair of Etnies. :) Almost brings a tear to my eye. She reminded me of the time I was down there for work and I called her up from my hotel. She came over and shared some pizza with me as we watched Anaconda without the sound so that we could add our own diolouge, which we thougt was pretty hilarious by the way. It was so fun to see her again. She always make me laugh. There is so much more to write about, but I know nobody really cares to read all of my fabulous memories. So I think I will stop here. Although I DO miss the weather. It was so nice down there.

Its growing

Here it is at 14 weeks. I have a doctors appt on Tuesday, but I don't think we can find out the gender until the next doctor's appointment (next month). Everything knew I learn about what happens to the 'mothers body' during pregnancy grosses me out more and more. Its a good thing you can't really change your mind about this whole pregnancy thing or else I would have stopped it a long time ago. Its all so disgusting. I admit, it's incredibly miraculous that all this stuff happens, but more-so when it happens to OTHER people. I am such a wimp. Seriously. Oh well. So here's what the website says about it at this stage.

The body is now growing faster than the head, balancing out that brain-heavy look and making the fetus appear more baby-like. The skin is covered with lanugo, an ultrafine hair that protects it until birth. There's also hair on the baby's head, and the beginnings of tiny eyebrows. Your little one is now about 4 inches long and weighs just under 2 ounces.

12 Weeks

Now measuring between 2 and 3 inches from crown to rump, the fetus is busily doing his stretching and kicking exercises. All major organs are in place, and his brain, nerves, and muscles are starting to function. Although his gender was determined at conception, external genitalia won't fully develop for another couple of weeks. At that point, a sonogram may be able to show whether you're carrying a boy or a girl--if your baby will cooperate and face the camera!

I'm starting to develop a bit of a belly now. Last night Brian was looking at my stomach and said I look like a chubby little girl. Just what I like to hear. I'm not feeling so sick lately so thats good. Even though we heard the heartbeat I still think its weird that I'm pregnant. Like its not real yet. Especially since I'm feeling better, its more like I'm getting over a flu or something. So...why isn't anyone else writing blogs anymore?

people

I work at a testing center as many of you know. When people pass or fail, they all have interesting reactions. This one guy yesterday was so happy, he was trying to be funny but it wasn't working. I don't think he noticed. He sure was laughing. It was getting on my nerves. I kinda wanted to slap him and say "just shut up and listen to the instructions I have to give you so you can leave and so I don't have to listen to YOU anymore" but I guess that could have been considered unprofessional. Then trying to fingerprint him was difficult. He was over 300 lbs so I couldn't just take control of him the way I do other people. Don't people know what the word RELAX means?! He wouldn't stop talking long enough to listen to what I needed him to do. Again, I had an impulse to act unprofessionally. I wanted to spray him in the face with a spray bottle we use for their hands if their skin is too dry. But alas, I need this job a few more months for the insurance.
I think I'm in a bad mood. Is it wrong to miss people who you can no longer contact because it would be considered inappropriate?

Hair

Is it really that bad to get highlights in your hair while you are pregnant? The color never touches your scalp. The fumes can't be deadly because what about all the pregnant hair dressers that work with that stuff everyday? *sigh* whatever.
So Brian had a dream that we had a girl. But then she was kidnapped. I guess we got her back. He wasn't totally awake when he was telling be about it. Weird huh?

oh the pain. . .

Yesterday I couldn't go to work because my stomach hurt so much and if I tried to walk, it made it worse. It started at 3:00AM. By about 7pm-ish Brian called my doctor. The doctor said it could possibly be a tubal pregnancy, but since there was no bleeding then who knows. This morning when I woke up it was as if nothing ever happened. It was so weird. Two people suggested it might be ligaments stretching out, but I am only 8 weeks! Who knows. I'm just happy I am not in pain. It was probably nothing and I just have a low tolerence to pain or something. Granted- if that were true, I would never admit it. So it must have been something REALLY bad. ;) Anybody have any suggestions what it might have been? It's happened once before, but didn't last as long and wasn't as painful. Oh- theres a picture of what my body is supposed to look like at this stage. I will find it because I know you all care SO much about that. *snicker snicker*

Work party

Brian's work had a Christmas party on Saturday. It was pretty neat-o. We went to Hale Center Theater to eat. Famous Daves catered. (I couldn't eat the meat, so I piled on the potato salad.) Brians boss, Arden, is very generous. He gave all his employees $100 to spend on their wives. How cool is that? So Brian got me a gift certificate to the mall since I couldn't think of anything I wanted. Then there is a gift game where Arden puts all these presents in the middle of the room and everyone takes turns picking one and unwrapping it. If they don't pick from the middle, they can steal what someone else picked, but it can only be stolen three times. So we got a super soft blanket and a set of tools with a tape measure. THEN he puts out a whole bunch of gift certificates to different places- restaurants, clothing stores, hardware stores, etc- and the same game is played. Brian got a card to Lowes and I got one for Cinimark movies. Is that spelled right? After we ate and did the presents and the white elephant game, we went across the street to watch Tran-Siberian Orchestra. It was quite the show! pretty neat-o. The lights from the light show hurt my eyes and my stomach hurt the whole time, but it was certainly entertaining. :) How cool is it that we got all this stuff for free?! its frickin awesome, thats what it is. How did I get so lucky?

1st Visit

I went to the doctor today for my first check-up. No pap smear. YEA! Is that even spelled right? He just told me that being tired and gassy was normal then handed me a plastic bag full of parenting magazines and prenatal vitamin samples and sent me on my way. Am I supposed to takke ALL the pills, or what? Stupid doctor. well, stupid me for not thinking to ask about prenatal vitamins. I forgot, even though I had plenty of time to think of questions while sitting in a tiny cramped room with statues of a uterus and what not. After about 25 minutes of twiddling my thumbs I called Brian and told him I was leaving and how ridiculous it was to be waiting that long and bla bla bla and I almost started crying, then the doctor walked in. *sigh* So I got myself all riled up for no real reason and forgot all the questions I had until I was sitting in my car alone once again.

OH BABY

Hi. I am trying to see if this works. Guess what everyone! I'm pregnant. yep.

Here is what my baby looks like right now. Pretty crazy. Here's what the website says about it if you are interested.

Although he still resembles a tiny alien, your baby's facial features are starting to form. Arms, legs, hands, and feet are taking shape, although they don't yet have fingers and toes. The brain is growing more complex; if you looked through a microscope, it would be clearly visible through the transparent skull. The embryo has started to move in small jerks, although you won't feel these until the fourth month

Just for the record, this will be my first and last child. :)

Happy Halloween!

We had a halloween part and it was lots of fun! If you didn't come then you totally missed out. Ok, so it didn't get SUPER fun until everybody joined in a riatous round of darts. Then it was fun to make fun of how bad we all suck at the game. Except for a select few.. like me.. It's a good thing Brian doesn't mind all the holes in the wall surrounding the dart board. We are lucky it wasn't Brandon's house. I'm surprised his house didn't get more destroyed with how often we hung out there. I miss his house. and everyones company. It was fun sitting around after midnight being too tired to do much of anything but not tired enough to kick people out. I had missed staying up listening to Elisabeth and others make fun of people they work with and what not because then you get somewhat of an idea of what goes on their secretive lives.
I realized something today. I haven't thought about suicide for a few years now! I thought it was normal and that everyone did and that everyone thought out ways of going through with it. Then I talked to my sister about it because I was wondering what ways she had thought about doing that to herself. She looked at me like I was crazy. I bet she doesn't even remember. It was a long time ago. After that I never told anyone else about my weird thoughts and feelings. Who knew it was all just a weird chemical imbalance in my brain! Is that even spelled right? The point to all this is that I am happier than ever and even on down days I don't even consider death. I never planned on going through with it, it was just something I would think about back in the day. Why am I writing about this?

1 Year Baby!

My first wedding anniversary is coming up. What the heck are you supposed to get for a guy for a romantical kind of a day? And what are you supposed to do? (besides that)
I suggested we go to Lagoon or the circus, but maybe that's not the sort of thing you're supposed to do for your very first anniversary. If you have any suggestions, please help. It is this weekend.

I feel like this lovely toad

My Jaw hurts. I have cramps. I'm tired. I get to go to another dentist in the morning. WooHoo! Life is good otherwise. Any suggestions for bloating? It IS a real thing right? Sometimes I wonder if I am using "bloating" as an excuse for not being able to fit into my clothes anymore but I guess if you bloat, it's not a 24-7 sort of a thing. but I think this time I really am.

Celebrity Duets

I had a dream a few weeks ago. It was awesome. Travis, Elisabeth, Dave, Brandon and Sara were all in it. I can't remember it all that well anymore. I just remember being impressed when Travis came out on the stage and sang a solo. He was SO good! We were all cheering. Elisabeth and I did some dance on the stage with a bunch of other people but I didn't know what I was doing. Then it was my turn to sing and I didn't even know I was going to be singing. So I go up in front of this huge crowd and smy DREAMS won't even let me sing well! It was awful and I was so embarrassed. Then everyone was leaving and I wanted to go to Elisabeth's house but she moved to St George. I was sad and decided to try to go anyway. It was like a blizzard outside and my car was sliding everywhere and I was bumping into other cars and stuff and then my car turned into a little thing, like a go cart. So I was exposed to the snow and trying to push it along the road! I don't think I ever made it to her house. I was sad when I woke up. Weird, huh? Anybody know what THAT kind of dream would mean?

TODAY

I went to work today. There were tons of technical difficulties this morning. I left work at 2:30pm. Went grocery shopping with my sister in law and her baby. We once again realized we are both sort of air-heads. I think it only happens when we are together though. Separated, we are fine. Together? Not so good. Then I came home. actually I cruised by my husbands work site to see if I could get a glimpe of him, but alas, it was to no avail. I feel like a stalker when I do that but its ok if you are married to the person, right? My oldest sister used to drive my her x-bf's houses. I was with her once or twice. Thats totally weird. but not to your own spouse, right? Anyway, we got some movies I am excited to see. Poisiden, a dancing one, and a violent one. I don't remember the names. heh. Oh, the Sentinel. ya. Woo! So thats my excitement for the day. I will report again when something equally exciting happens.

Dentists

I am going to have a root canal done and I just can't wait! I love having drills and strange instruments enter my mouth while I blindly sit back and gag on my own spit and other strange particles and liquids. Then I get to leave the wonderful office broke and drooling while the side of my face droops and my tounge takes on its own life. *sigh* what could be better? Ohh I know. Going back for the next appointment! yippeee!

BABIES

I am with Tammy Tinkle while she is watching a sweet little bundle of poop. Right when I think that I might want to have kids, I deal with an 18 month old cranky little boy. ARG... Plus I have to read about how painful it is in Glamour Magazine. Reliable source I know. The pain measurement was right up there with getting genital warts removed. SICK. I know you all wanted to know that. heh heh. Perhaps someday I will experience the strange feeling of something growing inside my gut other than air pockets and such. It will most likely have to be accidental though. And don't even tell me you think a fetus is cute. Amazing, perhaps, weird, definetly, but cute? no.

Turbo Jam

This is the girl that does turbo jam. She has her own blog. weird, huh? Its weird to think of people on work out videos as real people I guess. http://chalenejohnson.blogspot.com/

The only problem is that we have TV in the bedroom and there's not enough room to work out in the bedroom and so if anyone has room in their home to do this with me, well then.... you should let me. :) Who wouldn't want to look like her?! Seriously. It's a fun video.

HAPpy... hapPY...

I need to be more positive. I enjoy being married. In fact, I've never been happier in my life. So whats my problem? I appreciate the advice I got from my last entry. I think I will have to use a little money on some of those things even if it's not something you can invest in to profit from later. I can profit from things in different ways than making money off things. So yes, I think I will have to talk to my husband (that word is still weird sometimes) about some things that I would like to purchase. We'll see how it goes.
So... Anyone want to do Turbo Jam with me? Its a lot fun but I have a better chance of doing that when someone else does it with me. :)

married life

Things have seemed to change now that I am married. I went to Dave's birthday party and it was the first time I saw some of my friends for awhile. It almost felt akward. It's like people don't want to have anything to do with you if you are not single anymore. I don't know why. SOMEone even said they didn't bother transfering my phone number into their new phone is because I'm not worth calling anymore. Thats when I say, "oh ya?! well screw YOU!" ok so I didn't really say that this time, but I should have. I've been so angry lately but I can't figure out why. I think part of it has to do with money. I hate not being able to just go do stuff that I want to do. Plus I don't excercise anymore. I miss dancing and rock climbing. Those were some of my absolute favorite things to do, but now thats over. I don't see how I will ever go back to school again. Any money we get will go towards buying a new house to fix up and sell to make more money, but by that time we will probably have kids that will be sucking up any money and then I REALLY won't ever have my own life again. AHHH!!! Is it wrong to be so selfish to not want kids so that you can progress in life?? Once I have kids I'm afraid my life will be pretty much done. Then I will just be a mom. I know mom's are important obviously, but they never have their own life back again. They never get to enjoy their own hobbies or interests unless it invloves changing diapers and diciplining bad children. I've gotta stop I'm getting depressed just thinking about it.