This whole blogging thing just isn't working out so well for me anymore. I used to spill my guts about things on here and get some good feedback but now that so many of the feeling involve my husband, I don't feel like it's ok to talk about publicly.
There was one part of my life where I was SO incredibly happy, I find myself continually trying to get back to that. It was from the time I was engaged until the time I was pregnant. Then everything changed. Then I was reminded again and again that I am still a failure and that just because I had such a great marriage at first, things change and I was wrong to think I could stay on cloud 9. Don't get me wrong, I have a great life that I love. I love my husband and I love my little boy. I am SO happy I get to stay home with him and take care of him myself. I just find myself growing resentful when I see my husband come home from a successful day at work where he is important and can get so much accomplished and I'm here with a messy house that I had tried desperately to clean but could never seem to finish and a baby that's really not a little baby anymore but still needs lots of attention and care. I just wish I could have a break sometimes. I guess I get jealous that I can't stamp my time card and just relax without having a knot in my stomache thinking about all the things I SHOULD be doing rather than relaxing. I wish I could take a break. Let him take care of Cody the rest of the night while I ignore both of them and play on the computer or watch TV. Now I feel like I am painting a bad picture of my husband. He is a great guy and usually helps if I ask, I just get tired of asking. I hate going to bed and thinking of all the things I didn't get done and then waking up and seeing what I still need to do and I still have no idea how to get it done. I thought I would not feel like such a failure once I got out of school, but now at times it's a lot worse. I don't really know what to do differently, if there is anything to be done at all.
4 comments:
I learned something that has saved my sanity. . . it really doesn't matter if you get everything done in one day or not, it will be there waiting for you tomorrow and so don't stress about it. There will always be a pile. There will always be loose ends. There will always be more to do.
I am a perfectionist and like to have everything in order and all my little checks by everything I was supposed to do that day, but most of the time it doesn't work that way and I forgot to do what is most important and that was to take time to enjoy life. Get done what you can get done even if it is just one dish that day and call it good if you were more involved in the best thing which is enjoying watching your son grow up.
Hang in there!
Thanks Brenda, good points. :)
I don't know if you remember that email I sent you a little while back about the mom behind the scenes, but that hit home to me :) Moms are like the lab in a hospital... you can't always see it, but it's behind 80% of the goings on!
I felt the same way as you (still do a lot!) about the laundry n such. But it took being separated a few months to realize how important my kids are to me. I had the cleanest apartment in the world, but I would've traded it in a heartbeat to have K & B tearing it apart every day! It was so lonely w/o them and I missed what life they brought into it, even if it sucked cleaning up every night. Ignore the mess. I know it's hard, but sanity is way more important. If hubby complains, tell him to clean it.
As far as hubbies go, I finally required Ben to do a few things around the house b/c there's no way I could do it all. I cook the meal, so he washes the dishes, etc. It is very short-sighted for a guy today to think that he should go to work n come home n sit. Kids are hard work! Church leaders have said that dads need to be involved in their children's lives AND that dads need to be equal partners in the marriage. So get on it, papas of the world!
Sometimes I think I have an interesting point of view b/c I work full time. It is TONS easier to go to work and forget what #2 was done by kid #2 in the hallway...
Ok I'll shut up now :)
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