Can we say drama queen?

Today my anxiety tried REALLY hard to take over. It is the 4th of July weekend. People have been shooting off fireworks for the past few days and today is only July 2nd. They kept going past midnight last night. Of course Cody isn't going to sleep with all the noise and carrying on. We were all up for-ev-er. Point of first complaint is that I am tired and ticked off because of my idiot neighbors.

I need a new swimsuit and Hapari is the only place I know of that sells suits to fit my special needs which I will not discuss here. They had a sale today for 40% off!!! The place is in American Fork though. I packed up the kids and took off. Brian of course could not watch them as he was busy fixing our new wrecked truck. I drive the 40 minutes or so there with little limited crying go in and the store is PACKED. If you know me at all you know I don't do well in crowds or small spaces. I forced my way in and stood in a line to try on the swimsuits for a good 30 minutes. Carley had about had it at this point and was wriggling and squirming trying to get out of the stroller while the 3 of us were huddled in a dressing room with a mere piece of fabric separating the rooms and the rest of the people waiting to try on a suit. There was no way I was letting her out of confinement while I am half naked. She could have easily crawled into the next dressing square or back out to the rest of the store. Luckily Cody found a game for her on my phone and kept her busy for 2 minutes. Then we get in line to pay. Did I mention how incredibly crowded it was? It took all I had to not make a mad dash with my elbows flailing and my feet kicking towards the exit. I impatiently waited in line for another 30 minutes or so just to pay. I had Carley in a little stroller. After awhile when people stepped over her or even got within reach she started hitting at their legs. I wasn't going to tell her to stop either. When she got bored of slapping strangers she resorted to sticking her legs out as far as she could. I think she was trying to trip people as they went back and forth yet people just kept coming. I kept telling myself the sale is worth the wait over and over. I FINALLY purchased the stupid tankini, bottoms, and skirt (Yes I like to be fully dressed when swimming thank you very much) and was pleased with the price and booked it out the door. FREEDOM!!! I let Cody push Carley back to the car. It was so hot outside. Heat doesn't help the anxiety thing. The drive home was less than pleasant as both kids were tired and hungry at this point. Luckily they both fell asleep towards the end of the drive so I could put them in bed for a short nap.

Still feeling anxious. The kitchen was messy and I had no dishwasher detergent and there was no way in you know where that I was going to push myself into another jam packed store just for detergent, with or without kids. The mess was really getting to me though. So I cleaned the living room. Started getting really hungry. Couldn't make dinner as I had no where to put the breakfast and lunch dishes. Heaven forbid I wash them by HAND. Brian was still working on his truck. I somehow figured a way for my anxiety to be his fault and grabbed the kids and went to my parents house to see if they wanted to go out to eat with me- even though I didn't want to go out and be surrounded by more strangers. They came even though they didn't want to. As we pulled in the parking lot Brian calls wondering what I was doing. I tell him we will wait for him if he'd like to join us. I want to walk around in the mall while we wait but my mom thought it would be better to get a table now.

Suddenly it is now my mothers fault for my anxiety. I didn't want to make the kids sit at a table any longer than they had to but my parents were coming out with me as a favor so I thought it best to do what they want. I find myself becoming angry with every word my mother speaks. It wouldn't matter what she says at this point. I was reaching the end of my rope. I just wanted some company. I was sick of being alone with the kids and wanted some help. My parents were fulfilling both needs but the anger continued to build. Brian finally arrived so we ordered. My parents were unhappy about the fact that I wanted to wait to order until Brian joined us so he wouldn't feel bad but that was the one thing I put my foot down for. Once we all ordered and got our food Cody had to poo. He ALWAYS has to go when we are at a restaurant. It takes what feels like an hour for him to go and we come back to the table. The was his second potty break fyi. I share my food with the kids and finally take a bite of my own when Carley starts screaming her head off since Grandma took a breadstick away from her. Nothing would shut her up. My mom kept shoving other things in her face to try to help. FINALLY she calms down. I try taking a bite of my own food even though I now feel sick. Then the screaming starts AGAIN. She took something else away. I know she was worried about Carley choking and thought I wasn't paying attention and was just trying to help but she can chew pretty well now. Leave her alone! The screaming was even loader and more high pitched this time. Everyone could see I was going to snap and kept saying "I'll take her" as I was standing to take Carley into the bathroom. I yelled at everyone "I'm fine! I'll take her!!" I took her into the bathroom and cried. That's what I do when I am so out of control angry and don't know what else to do. At least Carley stopped due to the change of scenery.

When I come back to the table my food is neatly boxed up for me, which was fine as I was too sick to eat at this point. My mom mentioned we'd better leave a good tip since there was such a mess on the floor from Carley. One year olds are messy eaters. We do tip the servers sufficiently when we go out. I realize she was just saying it just to - I don't know. whatever. It wouldn't matter what anyone said to me at this point because it is all going to be taken wrong. We leave. Brian goes to the store to pick up his medicine and I go home to get the kids in bed which is a huge feat and hate doing alone but have been for the past 2 weeks. Brian calls and says the pharmacy is closed. Bad news. At least he can bring home some dishwasher detergent. After I don't even know how long anymore I call him hoping he didn't wreck or something. He stopped at his parents house to chat since they were in their front yard. He's been working with his dad ALL DAY!!!! Maybe he's sick of me and finding every reason to stay away from me. Maybe I am making him angry and he's avoiding me? Why doesn't he want to be with me? I just want some help with the kids! Is that why he's taking his sweet time home?

Do you see how incredibly irrational I get when I'm hungry and anxious?

He simply stopped to say hi and he and his family will talk for hours unintentionally if given the chance. He finally comes home. Cody won't stay in bed. Said fireworks won't shut up. Brian goes to lie down by him so he'll go to sleep. I can't even tell you how much time I wasted trying to get him relaxed enough to sleep on his own. Anyway, now I get to start my Sharing Time lesson for primary tomorrow. AHH! I hate Sundays (and weekends for that matter) so much. Tomorrow we will stress trying to get all of us ready and there on time. Fight with the kids in a pew and struggle to keep them and myself quiet. Go to primary to have Cody be clingy to me and Carley crawl all over the place. Go home for an hour. Go back for another meeting. Go to Brian's parents house where I get to take care of the kids some MORE while Brian plays video games with his brother until I have had it and take Carley home with me so I can be alone some more.

Lesson to be learned: Don't cross my path while my anxiety is high or I WILL find a reason to be extremely mad at you.