Stupid Carnis

I went to the Fair yesterday with my family. My anxiety has been getting worse and worse lately so I try to avoid crowds as much as possible but I really wanted to participate in our annual family Fair trip.  We probably should have planned to go on a different day other than the last Saturday it is opened. I think the kids had a blast. Brian and I had fun looking at random stuff.  I continually told myself to just breath - except when we were walking through looking at the stinky animals. Speaking of stinky animals, we were walking through the cow section when Brian recognized someone he knew from Gunnison where his parents grew up.  I think it might have been Brian's x-girlfriend's brother or something like that to make me dislike him even more.  Since he learned we live in West Valley, he asked what we think about the Susan Powell case. Brian told them we knew her and Josh and how sad the whole thing is.  I put in my 2 cents.  One of the Gunnison guys said something like, so it's easier now then? You know since it's been two years and all.
It's EASIER now? Are you TELLING me it's easier now? I don't know - let's see how you feel when a female friend in your life suddenly vanishes and her kids are left with the most likely murderer and you later find out her own husband probably burned her body and burried it in a shallow grave while the kids watch? Hmm... ya, sure. way easier. Don't even think about the the turmoil her parents are suffering, the brainwashing the kids are taking, or the fact that there is no resolution what so ever! You freaking idiot! Don't tell me it is EASIER now. I have been more upset now than ever with this whole thing and frankly I don't know how to deal with it.  I had another melt down today.  Can't stop crying. Carley brought me her bunny and her favorite doll that she won't share with ANYone and put it on me. Cody tried to give me a hug. I can usually suppress the feelings of sadness but I then find myself thinking about how much she LOVES her little boys and how terribly upset she must be seeing her psycho husband and pervert dad raise her kids.  Her boys were her life.  She was the hardest working woman I think I have ever met.  She kept her house spotless. She started a garden since her husband complained if she bought vegetables from one store when they were on sale for 3 cents cheaper at another store. I'm not even kidding.  She biked to worked since he didn't want to pay for gas. He tried to tell her now to buy makeup or yarn as it was a waste of money.  He did everything in his power to control her.  He belittled her EVERY time I was there.  Spoke to her as if she were a stupid child. Told her if she ever left him he would make her life a living hell.
What a supportive loving husband.
She was trying to listen to a talk from an apostle which was saying something like the worth of women and how a man and woman should be equals and lift each other up.   He walked through and said, "What is this crap you're listening to?" When Susan told me about this she said he was joking but clearly he wasn't. I hate him so much and I just don't know how to deal with hate. I don't think I've ever truly hated anyone before.

Life is Good

That last post was so annoying I just had to say that despite the occasional bad week, I really do enjoy my life.  All I have to do is look around at other peoples circumstances and see how blessed I am.  I love my kids more than anything.  They alone have brought meaning and purpose to my life.  For the first time I feel like a have a reason to keep going.  I have a huge responsibility!  These little people need me to teach them how to live productive happy lives to the best of my ability.  In the mean time they are trying ever so hard to teach me patience and culinary skills.  Both of which have a long way to go.  Often I wonder why I am so blessed to have such a full life.  My pregnancies were both normal and problem free.  Our family doesn't depend on me to go to work so I am able to stay home and take care of the kids and not worry about others raising them at an age when they can't even speak yet.  My kids are both healthy and well behaved - for the most part. We have a HOUSE. Not a tiny apartment.  I was going through a phase of being sure we needed more space since I felt our house was way too small.  Then I did a jeans party for a friend of mine.  She has two kids the same ages as my two kids. She lives in a very small 2 bedroom condo.  The kitchen is the same size as my hallway here.  You walk in the front door and you can see their entire living space.  I would go absolutely crazy! Ever since then I have felt guilty for wanting more. 

   I love my husband very much.  The kids love him too. :)  They love having him chase and tickle them.  They love when he pushes them around on a bike or bounces a ball with them.  I am so happy that he gives them attention and tells them he loves them.  He is a great dad.  I wouldn't hate how often he is gone if I didn't love him so much and want to be around him all the time.  It's amazing how angry and stressed I can be and then if he tries, he can melt it all away for me in minutes.

Today is the forth of July. What a great country.  As I am writing this I swear I smell hot dogs bbq-ing somewhere.  We are going to Brian's parents for fireworks and a BBQ tonight.  Right now Brian is doing service for hunting.  Not sure when he'll be back.  I guess I should get back to cleaning. 

Can we say drama queen?

Today my anxiety tried REALLY hard to take over. It is the 4th of July weekend. People have been shooting off fireworks for the past few days and today is only July 2nd. They kept going past midnight last night. Of course Cody isn't going to sleep with all the noise and carrying on. We were all up for-ev-er. Point of first complaint is that I am tired and ticked off because of my idiot neighbors.

I need a new swimsuit and Hapari is the only place I know of that sells suits to fit my special needs which I will not discuss here. They had a sale today for 40% off!!! The place is in American Fork though. I packed up the kids and took off. Brian of course could not watch them as he was busy fixing our new wrecked truck. I drive the 40 minutes or so there with little limited crying go in and the store is PACKED. If you know me at all you know I don't do well in crowds or small spaces. I forced my way in and stood in a line to try on the swimsuits for a good 30 minutes. Carley had about had it at this point and was wriggling and squirming trying to get out of the stroller while the 3 of us were huddled in a dressing room with a mere piece of fabric separating the rooms and the rest of the people waiting to try on a suit. There was no way I was letting her out of confinement while I am half naked. She could have easily crawled into the next dressing square or back out to the rest of the store. Luckily Cody found a game for her on my phone and kept her busy for 2 minutes. Then we get in line to pay. Did I mention how incredibly crowded it was? It took all I had to not make a mad dash with my elbows flailing and my feet kicking towards the exit. I impatiently waited in line for another 30 minutes or so just to pay. I had Carley in a little stroller. After awhile when people stepped over her or even got within reach she started hitting at their legs. I wasn't going to tell her to stop either. When she got bored of slapping strangers she resorted to sticking her legs out as far as she could. I think she was trying to trip people as they went back and forth yet people just kept coming. I kept telling myself the sale is worth the wait over and over. I FINALLY purchased the stupid tankini, bottoms, and skirt (Yes I like to be fully dressed when swimming thank you very much) and was pleased with the price and booked it out the door. FREEDOM!!! I let Cody push Carley back to the car. It was so hot outside. Heat doesn't help the anxiety thing. The drive home was less than pleasant as both kids were tired and hungry at this point. Luckily they both fell asleep towards the end of the drive so I could put them in bed for a short nap.

Still feeling anxious. The kitchen was messy and I had no dishwasher detergent and there was no way in you know where that I was going to push myself into another jam packed store just for detergent, with or without kids. The mess was really getting to me though. So I cleaned the living room. Started getting really hungry. Couldn't make dinner as I had no where to put the breakfast and lunch dishes. Heaven forbid I wash them by HAND. Brian was still working on his truck. I somehow figured a way for my anxiety to be his fault and grabbed the kids and went to my parents house to see if they wanted to go out to eat with me- even though I didn't want to go out and be surrounded by more strangers. They came even though they didn't want to. As we pulled in the parking lot Brian calls wondering what I was doing. I tell him we will wait for him if he'd like to join us. I want to walk around in the mall while we wait but my mom thought it would be better to get a table now.

Suddenly it is now my mothers fault for my anxiety. I didn't want to make the kids sit at a table any longer than they had to but my parents were coming out with me as a favor so I thought it best to do what they want. I find myself becoming angry with every word my mother speaks. It wouldn't matter what she says at this point. I was reaching the end of my rope. I just wanted some company. I was sick of being alone with the kids and wanted some help. My parents were fulfilling both needs but the anger continued to build. Brian finally arrived so we ordered. My parents were unhappy about the fact that I wanted to wait to order until Brian joined us so he wouldn't feel bad but that was the one thing I put my foot down for. Once we all ordered and got our food Cody had to poo. He ALWAYS has to go when we are at a restaurant. It takes what feels like an hour for him to go and we come back to the table. The was his second potty break fyi. I share my food with the kids and finally take a bite of my own when Carley starts screaming her head off since Grandma took a breadstick away from her. Nothing would shut her up. My mom kept shoving other things in her face to try to help. FINALLY she calms down. I try taking a bite of my own food even though I now feel sick. Then the screaming starts AGAIN. She took something else away. I know she was worried about Carley choking and thought I wasn't paying attention and was just trying to help but she can chew pretty well now. Leave her alone! The screaming was even loader and more high pitched this time. Everyone could see I was going to snap and kept saying "I'll take her" as I was standing to take Carley into the bathroom. I yelled at everyone "I'm fine! I'll take her!!" I took her into the bathroom and cried. That's what I do when I am so out of control angry and don't know what else to do. At least Carley stopped due to the change of scenery.

When I come back to the table my food is neatly boxed up for me, which was fine as I was too sick to eat at this point. My mom mentioned we'd better leave a good tip since there was such a mess on the floor from Carley. One year olds are messy eaters. We do tip the servers sufficiently when we go out. I realize she was just saying it just to - I don't know. whatever. It wouldn't matter what anyone said to me at this point because it is all going to be taken wrong. We leave. Brian goes to the store to pick up his medicine and I go home to get the kids in bed which is a huge feat and hate doing alone but have been for the past 2 weeks. Brian calls and says the pharmacy is closed. Bad news. At least he can bring home some dishwasher detergent. After I don't even know how long anymore I call him hoping he didn't wreck or something. He stopped at his parents house to chat since they were in their front yard. He's been working with his dad ALL DAY!!!! Maybe he's sick of me and finding every reason to stay away from me. Maybe I am making him angry and he's avoiding me? Why doesn't he want to be with me? I just want some help with the kids! Is that why he's taking his sweet time home?

Do you see how incredibly irrational I get when I'm hungry and anxious?

He simply stopped to say hi and he and his family will talk for hours unintentionally if given the chance. He finally comes home. Cody won't stay in bed. Said fireworks won't shut up. Brian goes to lie down by him so he'll go to sleep. I can't even tell you how much time I wasted trying to get him relaxed enough to sleep on his own. Anyway, now I get to start my Sharing Time lesson for primary tomorrow. AHH! I hate Sundays (and weekends for that matter) so much. Tomorrow we will stress trying to get all of us ready and there on time. Fight with the kids in a pew and struggle to keep them and myself quiet. Go to primary to have Cody be clingy to me and Carley crawl all over the place. Go home for an hour. Go back for another meeting. Go to Brian's parents house where I get to take care of the kids some MORE while Brian plays video games with his brother until I have had it and take Carley home with me so I can be alone some more.

Lesson to be learned: Don't cross my path while my anxiety is high or I WILL find a reason to be extremely mad at you.

I'm not crazy! (INSTITUTION!) you're the one who's crazy!

I decided to start going through my e-mails, starting with the oldest one which is from 2004. I read an e-mail from a friend mentioning this here blog which I started in 2005. So then I decided to read some of my old blogs. I kind of miss my old self. Sounds retarded right? I think I need to quit worrying about myself so much. Perhaps that is where this anxiety/depression thing is mounting from or something. I've been debating on going back on my crazy pills again but I really prefer not to if I can stand it. Back in 2005 I was at a good point in my life where I was finally starting to like myself and really didn't care much about what other people thought. I was who I was and if people didn't accept me for that then I was fine with it and could move on. Now I care way too much about what others think, feel as though I am not meeting any ones expectations and feel like a total failure at life. But why?? I think it may be the weather. heh. No really. At least part of it anyway. I need to accept the fact that too many things are not within my control and that's just life. I am a lot like my mother. We both like to be in control of situations and to be honest, other people. No one can control other people unfortunately. There is always a choice.

Woah, where an I going with this? geesh. Here I go again spiraling into negativity. You know what I realized yesterday? I feel angry quite often. Since I don't really know why or where it's coming from, I find myself pinning in on Brian somehow. Coming up with reasons to be mad at him since I am just mad. I guess it's kind of logical. Not very healthy for a relationship though. So I am working at seeing the brighter side of life. Starting now. . . .

Hooray for a Vegas getaway! My sister in law is letting my and my 2 friends and the other sisters in law stay at her house for the weekend. I am trying not to feel sick about leaving my kids for 3 days. I may have inadvertently made myself sick over it and now have a sore throat. Plus weird stomach issues. Maybe it was the Easter candy. Nothing a little retail therapy can't fix. Maybe I will make some time to write just a little every now and then. Is my house clean? The laundry done? Hair clean? Do any of those things really matter?? well.... OK they are actually important. but so is self preservation. There will always be cleaning needed but I don't think 5 minutes to empty the brain filled with Dino-squad cartoons and thoughts of awful diapers from the day is such a horrible waste of time. This is my attempt at starting to be a blogger. somewhat. again.
brighter side starting now.

Sassafrass Photography

Hey check out this link http://www.sassafrassphoto.blogspot.com

It's the girl who did our family pictures. I am entering to win a free mini session with her. You can find her on facebook and become a fan and enter yourself!

Hello awkward

I've been pretty tired lately. You can tell because I become even MORE introverted, forgetful, anxious, and I throw plenty of ridiculous pity parties for myself. I just hope the last one isn't noticed because really I am better off than most people I know. One one particularly tiresome day, I took my sweet time bringing Cody home from preschool. I hung out for a bit to chat with his teacher (Brian's sister) since I had so much I needed to do at home so of course I didn't actually WANT to go home. Lucky for me the kids fell asleep on the way home and even stayed asleep once brought inside. FREEDOM! I say to myself is a whispered victory yell. I plop my butt down for a 2 minute break when I hear the sound of car doors closing. Oh ya, I was supposed to be home an HOUR ago so my visiting teachers could come and, well, visit. They sit down as I apologize for completely forgetting they were coming (again) and they explain that they drove by a few times until they saw my car. They visited the other ladies they were supposed to see in the meantime. They ask how I'm doing and if I am sleeping any yet, I complain that I am still getting up every 1 to 2 hours even though my daughter is ten months old.... They start to look a little uncomfortable sitting there but not really enough to acknowledge. I assume it's due to the mess. I had a pile of books and papers stacked on the lamp table by the couch that I had brought out of the bedroom so that I would actually sort through it. They seemed to be eyeing it. I know I'm a slob but like I said, I forgot they were coming! These ladies are actually great. They both have kids my age and older so it's like I get a few others with motherly advice. They hurried out in an effort to let me try to sleep since the kids were sleeping. Once they left I sat down again. Figured I'd start on the pile they were trying not to look at.

Then I saw it.

BAM! Right out in the open on top of all the papers was a single square pregnancy prevention item. Oh my gosh I was so embarrassed. Do I bring it up and make a joke out of it the next time I see them? Do I subtly explain that I was cleaning off my dresser and didn't realize how much 'stuff' I had on my dresser without actually mentioning the item itself? No, no... Cases like these are best left ignored. Besides, I ran out of time for thinking up any other solution as the crying began once again.

Here we are waiting for him to come through on the biking part. The kids did surprisingly well.

He's just about to cross the finish line for the bike.

Brian did his first triathelon with a guy he works with. He did great!

GATOR-DADER

After our great adventure camping with the trailer the first time, we decided to do it again. This time it was a lot closer in Wolf Creek where the Allreds camp during the bow hunt every year. We pull in to the entrance of the campgrounds where those weird outdoor bathrooms are and stretch. Carley wakes up and cries. I take her out of her car seat. "Wow, she must be really sweaty from that car seat," I think to myself as I feel her wet back. I look at it and realize her onsie is filled with yellow mush. She had a blowout that went clear up to her shoulders and got all over the carseat. The good news is that the car seat has a little insert part that is optional so we were able to just take that part out and continue to use the carseat without having it smell like poo. Once I realized my baby was covered in her own filth, I started walking towards the trailer to change her and bathe her with wipes. There was an older couple at the restroom area. The woman saw my baby and proceeded towards my little bundle of ooze. As she was walking she had her hand up and ready to pat the baby on the back while asking how old she is. Of course I stopped her hand from making contact with the soaked onsie still attached to my baby, but perhaps it would have been more entertaining to see her face after she touched it and continued to attempt such pleasantness. heh heh.
Baby is clean, we proceed to our actual campsite and park the trailer. It really is quite beautiful. Mountain peaks, wild flowers, and pine trees. I step out and take a deep breath. It smells like.... trees.... but stinky trees. Like the little car airfreshener that looks like a tree had fermented. It was really strange. Luckily it was only in one spot. Once everyone had arrived and were settled, we had a great time. Cody LOVES playing with his cousin. Kim (Brian's sister) and her family came. She has 3 boys and 1 girl 2 months older than Carley. Cody calls her kids his boys. We had sloppy joes for dinner and later had marshmallows in the campfire. Cody declared he was tired so his dad took him into the trailer and got him to sleep. I was shocked. He always makes me put him to bed. It was great - until later. He woke up around 2ish in the morning crying. We were desperately trying to make him shut up before he woke up the baby but it turned into a yell cry. Brian and I got SO mad because then we had two kids screaming and I was starting to have a meltdown since I didn't know what to do. Cody just fell right back to sleep but the baby took FOR EV ER to settle down again and go to sleep. Phew. Peacefulness. sleep. sleeeeeep..... Cody wakes up crying again. This time I pulled Cody in bed with me as Brian and I were both starting to lose our temper and Brian swung the carseat holding Carley back and forth like a swing until she went back to sleep. Brian slept on a different bed and Cody slept fine the rest of the night. I told Brian I was never camping again.
The next day was fine. Brian and I were grumpy from being mad at Cody but we got over it and Cody went off to play in the dirt and pee in his pants. Again. After breakfast and a failed attempt for a nap everyone went fishing except for me and the baby, Kim and her baby, and Sherry. I tried getting baby to sleep for probably an hour but she couldn't seem to fall asleep without her swing. She FINALLY fell asleep but only stayed asleep for about ten minutes. So I took her over to Ed and Sherrys motorhome and watched the rest of Mama Mia with Kim and Sherry. Cody had a lot of fun fishing but didn't want to touch any of the fish. Did I mention he peed his pants again? I almost ran out of clothes for him.
That night went much more smoothly. Cody woke up crying and I just brought him in bed with us. Carley didn't wake up even though he was really loud. This time I slept on the other bed while Cody stayed in my spot in the big bed. The las day was more enjoyable. Brian made sure to keep Cody busy so I could nurse the baby and keep her happy. Well- Brian kept him busy the whole time. so it was good.
Funny story- the boys made a fort off in the woods that they liked to go to. On the last day we were there Brian went to check it out. He saw some water bottles lying around. Brian told them to pick it up and throw it away or something and the kids said, "We pee in those bottles and then dump the pee out around our fort. We're marking it." Brian told them not to do that anymore. The kids are 12, 6, 4- almost 5 and then Cody who is almost 3. I don't think the 12 yr old had anything to do with it. I hope not anyway. Still need to tell their mom about that one. haha.

Welp, we surved another camping trip. Cody LOVED it and was totally covered in dirt everday. We are planning how to work out the next camping trip the end of August for the bow hunt.

PS Cody calls Gatorade gatordader. it's funny.

Camping

I haven't posted for awhile as I haven't had much worth writing about. I could write about the multiple times each day I find poop, pee, and regurgitated breast milk on me, but who wants to hear about that? I suppose I could write about the wicked cool trailer we recently purchased. We went camping last weekend with my parents and it was pretty nice. Mom helped me take care of the kids while Brian and Dad went digging for Topaz. Brian found some pretty big ones. We had to peal his fingers off the shovel so he would drive us back to the trailer so we could eat. After everyone ate and napped Brian and my dad headed back to dig some more. While they were gone, I couldn't get the generator to start so the trailer was like a little oven roasting us inside. Topaz Mountain is a desert. No lakes or water around. Luckily we were camped by one small tree so we would kind of huddle in the shade until we couldn't stand the wind and then get back in the oven until we couldn't stand the heat. 4 hours or so later, Brian and my dad come back. They failed to take the camping chairs out of the truck before they left so we had nowhere to sit outside. On their way back they got a flat tire. All in all, I have little desire to go camping there again. Brian recently bought a book about how to find Topaz or something like that as he plans to go back there often. I think it would have been fun if I could have tried to dig a little myself and didn't stress out about the kids so much, but with the heat and no shade, it wasn't super enjoyable.
On the way home, Brian's eye really started to bother him. We had to stop about 3 times because it was hurting so much and he was trying to drive with blurry vision while pulling the trailer. He had more faith in his hurt, blind eye than he did in me or my dad attempting to pull the trailer. Can't say I blame him. He went to the insta-care that night and they were useless. $40 for someone to say, "You MAY have pink eye but you may not. He is a prescription for some antiiotics to drop in your eye." Idiot fake doctors. He went to a real eye doctor yesterday and they told him he has Iritis. I think it's where the middle part of your eye swells and it's really painful as your eye tries to focus and adjust to light. They gave him some kind of white eye drops to treat it and it is supposed to go away soon. Next time we go camping I would like to go to a closer wooded area so I can sit in the shade and relax. I'm still excited about the trailer since it beats tent camping any day.

NAMES

Here are some names I like.  It doesn’t mean Brian agrees with them but it’s such a short list we’ve really got to pick a name for this kid.

BOYS:

Jacob

Darren

Scott

 

GIRLS:

Lilly

Lillian – Brian doesn’t like it though, reminds him of the girl on Fraiser that Niles divorced.

Carley

Ellie

Ella

Olivia

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  Some suggestions from our Primary class (7 & 8 yr olds) were Gordan, Sarah, Tornado, Randall, and I can’t remember the rest.  Good names and all, but I’m thinking not for this one.  Maybe for the next one.

A whole lot about a whole little.

I have been feeling much better lately. Mood wise, that is. Physically I feel like crap, but I will discontinue being a host for this thing in my body in less than a month so that will be good. Then I'll know the true meaning of 'feeling like crap' with the lack of sleep, sore boobs from having the thing in me now OUT of me still sucking the life from me, and the healing stitches in places that should never have scissors used on it. Hm.. So much for that good mood...
Today has been good since I have actually been productive. I change the sheets on my bed, cleaned the kitchen, did some laundry, played with Cody, made lunch, and now Cody is actually taking a nap. I think he is going through a growth spurt. He has been sleeping through the night for about a week straight now AND taking naps! It's so great. I'm actually getting excited to meet this baby and find out the gender. I have bought one girl outfit just in case it's a girl and I need to go through Cody's newborn size bin of clothes to pick out some cute things in case it's a boy. I think I'd better buy another girl outfit or 2 though. I won't feel much like shopping afterwards.
Yesterday Brian and I went to get a carseat at USA Baby but certain days of the week they close at 5:30PM and certain days they close at 8:00PM. Unfortunately we went on a day they closed at 5:30 and got there at 5:34PM. Brian was furious they close at such a ridiculously early time. If they didn't have such a big selection we would have gone somewhere else, but I want one of the snugride Graco ones they have. We are going back tomorrow. Tonight is kereoke for the combined YM/YW. That will be fun to watch. I'd better not try to sing. Last time I tried singing to Cody to try to get him to calm down when he wasn't sleepy (and should have been sleepy) he said "No Mom!" and held his little hand up to my face. When I didn't stop he said it again but this time shaking his hand and head while saying "NO MOM!" When I continued singing he just plugged his ears. I think I should try out for American Idol. Speaking of American Idol, Cody is quite the little singer himself. When we're in the car and the radio is on, he'll add a "YAAaaa" to the end of any song and make his voice try to go wavy. I love it. Or he'll repeat the last word of the song. I'd better be careful with what I listen to.
Freaking cats. I just chased a cat out of the driveway. There are about 6 cats that practically live in our yard. They are in heat right now and SO loud. They wake me up in the middle of the night. It's gross. I can't even let Cody play in the back yard because there is cat poop about every 2 feet.
What was I talking about? Oh well. Doesn't matter. I should get dinner ready if I plan on getting it in the slow cooker and cooking before it's ACTUALLY dinner time, seeing as it will take 3 to 4 hours to cook and it's already 2:00pm. Wish me luck with this chicken and dumplings that I have never tried making before!

So I haven't posted for awhile because all I can ever really think about lately is Susan. She's been missing for almost a month now and I was making myself sick reading every single article ever written about the situation. Then I found myself reading the comments that strangers would leave underneath the article about what THEY think happened, or should happen. Most people have been sensitive about the way they ask how the search is going and such, but others have made me furious with talking about how she's dead buried in the snow somewhere by now and her murderous husband needs to just admit what he's done so the family can move on. It's not as though I haven't thought every possible thing about what has happened, but I still don't need someone to say it out loud. To my face. Just so I can fight once again to hold back the crying. It's all just so strange. I find myself feeling guilty that I wasn't a better friend. We had a lot of differences and disagreed on a number of things so I didn't try very hard to be as close to her as I was when I was her visiting teacher. Her disappearance has made me want to never speak poorly of anyone else again. What if that is the only way someone else will know of them? Through my negative comments about them? A detective came over to talk to me about my relationship with her and what I thought about their marital issues and so on. As soon as he left I got a call from the news. I was trying so hard to stay vague and not give any information, as the police are trying to keep everything as quiet as possible, though I'm not sure why. I don't do well under pressure and the next day I read a whole bunch of my own quotes in an article. It made me sick like I did something wrong. I did NOT, however, give any media source information about the e-mails she had sent out to myself and others about Josh when she was having a hard time deciding what to do with Josh. I'm more than annoyed with whoever freely gave out that information, mostly because I don't think Susan would appreciate it being made public. Since that article, I have stopped reading and watching the clips about Susan because for one, there is no new information, and two- I was letting my house fall apart and my emotions get the best of me. I couldn't help crying so many times and Cody has brought me tissue and kissed my knee or whatever he can reach and look up at me with his sweet big eyes and say, "Better?" I love him so much.
I can't believe I will be having another baby in about 10 weeks here. I am getting more and more uncomfortable and this baby seems to be trying to make its own way out through the side of my belly. My back aches and other unmentionable areas ache even more. I want to eat everything in sight and I find myself in a bad mood more and more. It might have something to do with the weather too. I don't want to leave the house much but I can't keep he house clean so it makes me claustrophobic. What is it about complaining that makes me feel somewhat better? Maybe it's the 'misery loves company' of sorts. Oh- we didn't get that lot in Heber. I was really really looking forward to moving. So that was kind of a downer. I don't want to go to church because I don't want to be around anyone else who knows Susan. I thought it would be great to move and stick my head in the sand and pretend everything has just been a horrible dream since I can't do anything to help anyway. My father-in-law has no confidence in the WVC police, seeing as they couldn't even track a license plate from a car that stole a part off his boat.

Wow this post really sucks. That's why I haven't posted anything for so long. I knew it would just be grumpy.

kids meal toys are deadly

We went to Heber yesterday to look at the lots that are for sale. The owners own 12 but are selling 2 for 60,000 a piece to get out of some debt and sitting on the rest until the economy comes back. We could see our friend's house from the lot we were at that was in the same singles ward as us. In fact, he is the one who helped Brian to ask me out on our first date. :) We hung out with them while we were out there yesterday and had a good time visiting. It would be pretty cool to move somewhere and already have a friend. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. The property is already contracted out to someone else, but the owner thinks it will fall through so the real estate agent was just trying to find some back up buyers "just in case".
While we were there we went to Dairy Keen or whatever it's called where the train goes around the ceiling. Cody thought it was pretty cool. The toy that came in his happy meal was a bobble-head dog. He dropped it on the ground and it broke. I think it was made of porcelain. Kinda weird if you ask me, but maybe these small towns haven't discovered ALL the uses of plastic. Or maybe they were hoping the kids with intentionally break them for the sharp edges and have fights to try to widdle down the population, or at least keep it down. hm, I think it's time for me to stop writing now. I hope we get that land!

Heber

Brian has talked a lot about moving to Heber 'someday'. I thought that would be fine since we wouldn't really have to think about it for another 10 years or so. Last night he was looking at property and found 2 lots for super cheap. Then he started talking about how cheap material is right now to build a house and that he could build one in 6 months. He was naming the guys that could do the electrical, plumbing, etc. He looked up our finances and things that show what we spend our money on to see if we would have to change much. Anyway, the thought of moving to another city with a 2 yr old and a newborn freaks me out. A lot. It would take an hour to get to my mom's house. We have a hard enough time seeing each other being only 10 minutes away as it is. Anyhow, I guess we need to do some prayin to figure this out. The property may be sold by the time we make a decision anyway. We were thinking about driving by it this weekend. Wish us luck in figuring out our future!

New Post

I've been sitting here reading others' blogs while Cody stuffs his face with noodles and thought to myself, Maybe I should post something. But I have no idea what. I have been so happy lately. I have everything I've always ever wanted. It's really weird. With Thanksgiving coming up and all I've been thinking about what I'm thankful for. I have a great relationship with my parents, My inlaws, and most importantly my husband. We have the most awesome little boy that hasn't been sick for awhile. We have another one on the way, even if it's a little sooner than scheduled. You know how it goes when you actually try to plan your life though. Heavenly Father has a way of changing things so that you can learn something greater than what you could have gained otherwise. As long as I don't dwell on the things I am afraid of, like where this government is headed and if I just hurt my kids even more by having us all get the swine flu shot, then I'm generally ok. The anxiety stuff that I've always struggled with seems to be getting a little harder lately, but I am continuously working on controlling my thoughts and desperately trying not to let them get carried away.

So anyway, I know this is a boring one, but I don't really have a lot to write. Things are going great. We might move to Heber someday. Brian is working is bahooky off to build our savings account. We'll see where life will take us. I'm excited for it for the most part!

mood swings

I'm not totally sure why I go off on those tangents like that. Sometimes I think I'm bi-polar. One day I'll wake up with a knot in my stomach and feel like the air is pressing down on me and like I am the most useless worthless person that ever lived, and then a few days later I'll feel perky and happy with hardly a care in the world. When I read back on my old journal entries or even these blogs I realize I sound over-dramatic but the feelings are real. I've been un-medicated since a few months before Cody was born and I've handled my anxiety surprisingly well but sometimes I wonder if I should try it again. I hate the thought of being on meds the rest of my life because it makes me feel like I'm weak and can't handle life as well as everyone else, but someone explained to me like having a broken bone. Except instead of getting a cast to help heal your bone, you get meds to help the brain release the right kinds of chemicals. Even though it seems logical at times, I can't help feeling less than others while medicated.
Anyway, today is a lot better. I feel happy and feel like I am getting things done. Poor Cody keeps getting more and more sick. His cough sounds terrible. I'm just hoping it won't turn into croup again.
Well- I guess I just wanted to say that I realize how over-dramatic and teenage-ish I sound when I complain the way I do in my previous blogs, but it helps me sort things out. :)

just more complaing. bla

This whole blogging thing just isn't working out so well for me anymore. I used to spill my guts about things on here and get some good feedback but now that so many of the feeling involve my husband, I don't feel like it's ok to talk about publicly.
There was one part of my life where I was SO incredibly happy, I find myself continually trying to get back to that. It was from the time I was engaged until the time I was pregnant. Then everything changed. Then I was reminded again and again that I am still a failure and that just because I had such a great marriage at first, things change and I was wrong to think I could stay on cloud 9. Don't get me wrong, I have a great life that I love. I love my husband and I love my little boy. I am SO happy I get to stay home with him and take care of him myself. I just find myself growing resentful when I see my husband come home from a successful day at work where he is important and can get so much accomplished and I'm here with a messy house that I had tried desperately to clean but could never seem to finish and a baby that's really not a little baby anymore but still needs lots of attention and care. I just wish I could have a break sometimes. I guess I get jealous that I can't stamp my time card and just relax without having a knot in my stomache thinking about all the things I SHOULD be doing rather than relaxing. I wish I could take a break. Let him take care of Cody the rest of the night while I ignore both of them and play on the computer or watch TV. Now I feel like I am painting a bad picture of my husband. He is a great guy and usually helps if I ask, I just get tired of asking. I hate going to bed and thinking of all the things I didn't get done and then waking up and seeing what I still need to do and I still have no idea how to get it done. I thought I would not feel like such a failure once I got out of school, but now at times it's a lot worse. I don't really know what to do differently, if there is anything to be done at all.

Dolls

The other day Cody was trying to get to my old cabbage patch kid doll I had in a box that I had gotten out for a little girl I was babysitting a while ago. I showed him the doll and he kissed her. Then I set Cody and the doll on Cody's little couch and went in the kitchen. I looked back in to check on him and he was giving the doll a big hug and smiling his big cheesy smile. It was so cute! I know boys aren't supposed to play with dolls but I don't think it means they will turn out gay for learning affectionate behavior and how to play soft and not be destruction ALL the time. I think it's just as important for boys to learn how to be caring as it is for girls. Ok, maybe a little more for girls, but when they're this little I don't think it matters all that much what kind of toys either gender plays with. Brian saw Cody hugging the doll and while he was annoyed that I let him play with a doll, he couldn't help but smile.

mm mm good

Cody just keeps getting more and more fun. He was drinking from his sippy cup the other day and he slams it down and does an exaggerated sigh. It made me laugh pretty hard so he did it again. I told Brian about it and he thought it was great. Apparently Brian was doing that with his own drink and obviously Cody was watching and picked it up. He has also started saying, "num NUM num!" and I thinks it's because we always say "yum yum yum!" He noticed my stomach yesterday when he pulled my shirt up a little to see it. I slapped it a couple times as it's bigger than it was pre-Cody so he decided to slap it. He'd crawl away then come back, lift my shirt, and slap my stomach a few times while looking at my face to see if I would laugh. I hope he does that to Brian when he gets back from hunting. It's fun to see him learn new things and grow stronger, even though he doesn't even stand alone yet. That's ok. He was a late crawler too. Cody, not Brian. I just noticed my arms are really hairy. maybe I should shave or nair them or something...